Alright. Let’s talk motivation.
This is not going to be a blog post about how I stay motivated, or about tips on motivation. It’s also not going to be a venting of frustration on how I’m not motivated. This blog post is going to be a deconstruction of my motivation structures with aims of explanation and self-exploration.
Why haven’t you written a book yet?
I finished my BA in Creative Writing over a year ago, and teenage Kristian’s timeline for life extended outwards from there into writing novels, having been armed with a wide array of creative inspirations and techniques. Almost a year on from graduation, I can count the number of writing projects I’ve begun – none completed – on one hand. That’s one short story, two introductory concept chapters and a map. Clearly, something didn’t go as planned along the mapped route of my life. It wasn’t a tragedy. It wasn’t finances. It was the same beast that’s stopped countless writers from budding; it was a lack of motivation.
A quote:
Discipline is reliable, motivation is fleeting. The question isn’t how to keep yourself motivated, it’s how to train yourself to work without it.
Whilst I haven’t heard this perspective articulated before, it’s one that I’ve attempted in the recent past. In September of 2015 I pledged to do weekly updates across my two blogs, and that lasted for the most part until the beginning of this year. It was one of the first times I devoted myself to completing a task without the drive of inspiration and motivation. At the beginning of 2016, I wrote a blog post declaring that I would attempt to write even if it felt more like work than enjoyment, stating that “You don’t need to feel motivated to continue trying.” And around that time I also began my Name A Day project, which I updated psuedo-daily for all 366 days of 2016.
The first half of 2017 has seen slowdown on all of those fronts. I gave up on this year’s Name-A-Day in March. Blog posts aren’t coming weekly any more. And any discipline I’ve built up around writing without motivation has trickled out of my ears.
How did this happen?
The easy answer is that I got lazy. But to be lazy you have to rationalise to yourself why it’s okay to be this way, and so I’ll present my rationalisations in an easy list.
Priorities.
I now work two jobs. Two jobs which, I might add, I enjoy! My ultimate goal in life is to be happy, and I’m happy working where I work, doing what I’m doing, for who I’m working for. But these jobs also have nothing to do with writing. This eats into the free time I previously had to update my blog and to fail at pursuing my writing. But I don’t work 30 hour weeks. I still have free time. Which brings us onto our next point.
Time management.
This is where the lack of discipline really comes into play. As much as I enjoy writing, it is hard work without motivation. My biggest non-productive joy in life is gaming. And don’t mistake me, it is a legitimate source of happiness. I’d be perfectly happy to devote my life to videogames if given the chance, which so few of us are. But in the meantime, my go-to activity in my free time is gaming, with friends or alone. Because it’s easy, and it makes me happy. And that would be fine if my short-term happiness played ball with my goals for lifetime fulfilment.
Lack of interest.
Motivation does come, though, and I don’t just write with the creativity that comes to me. Since childhood I’ve expressed creativity in other forms, from video-making to web-designing to, well, Minecraft, not that I’m any good at architecture there. And in all of my endeavours my creations have failed to garner interest. And I’m not talking woe-is-me I only have five thousand active viewers on my Youtube gaming channel. I’m talking flat-out barrens. And it’s hard to discuss this without sounding entitled, so let me dispel any notion that I feel like I’ve created anything worthy of renown. But… you know, the odd head-turn outside of people I know personally would be nice. I know that if I put a lot of time and discipline into something, I might create something that draws more attention, but to get there I need to create and to create I need to get past this barrier. The barrier of public disinterest.
And that’s pretty much that.
So now that we’re all up to date on how I’m a part-timer who plays too many videogames and whinges about how nobody acknowledges his talent, what am I going to do to rectify it? Well, for the present, nothing. No promises. I’m still in my protective cocoon with a sign on the front that says “my life is going through changes and I’ll be a creative butterfly when I’m familiar with the outside world again”. But I’ve had these ideas for worlds and characters knocking around at the back of my mind for months, and they’re getting harder and harder to ignore. But I want to justify the motivation to create these worlds and characters with the discipline to follow through with these promises of stories, and so I’ll start dipping my toe into the pools of discipline very soon. I’ve even been browsing to-do apps…
Perpetually Perturbed 