Year to Year: A Journal Through Time #23 – Humans as Depletable Resources (25/6/19)

Recent headlines:

World: Johnson defends Brexit plan and ‘row’ silence (Looks like we’re getting British Donald Trump for PM…)

Gaming: Halo: The Master Chief Collection’s first closed PC test starts next week (duhduhduhDUNNNNNN)

I’m playing: Assassin’s Creed Odyssey, Crash Team Racing Nitro-Fueled (HELL YEAH), Crackdown 3 (Xbox Game Pass on PC!)

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There are a few things in this world which are widely accepted by society despite their flaws existing in their very titles. The two examples I can think of are the Conservative party, and capitalism. I laugh whenever a Conservative politician tries to sell a progressive attitude. Mate, your party is literally named after the idea of keeping things the way they were. But I’m not here to get particularly political today. I want to talk about capitalism.

Capitalism – to capitalise on an opportunity. To further your own needs at the expense of another. Capitalism is the way of the western world, and it’s exhausting. More and more, I feel like I can’t take two steps without someone trying to sell me something. I listen to a lot of podcasts, and they’re all sponsored. And I get it, you’ve got to make money for your content, I don’t resent that. But good gravy does it get tiring.

The reason I bring this up is because in my workplace – that same workplace from a few months ago where I discussed layoffs – in my workplace, they’re tightening up on efficiency and productivity because of said layoffs. The idea is that with less people working there the rest of us can get paid more (out of our discontinued annual bonus), so long as we work harder and pick up the slack. And new hires face a more brutal assessment scheme which is balanced in favour of the employer getting a fresh rotation of hard workers as opposed to investing in an employee and seeing a return from that. It all just seems like a very transparent attempt to make more money at the expense of the staff.

So that bugs me. But what bugs me more is that in light of all of this, I’ve seen myself becoming a yes man. For instance, when a manager took the time to explain all of this to me, to tell me why it’s good that temps are easier to get rid of, I sat there and I went “oh,” “ahh,” and “I guess I never saw it that way.” I didn’t ask about people new to our sector who wouldn’t work efficiently in their first month. I didn’t ask about people with mental health issues that stay in work because of initiatives like this one. I just sat and nodded like a bloody sycophant, because it was easier, because I can hardly sit in a room with someone and have a conversation for longer than five minutes without feeling awkward about eye contact or my body positioning, let alone complain about the ethical ramifications of corporations using humans as depletable resources.

I know I should be easier on myself. I know being easier on myself has been the basis of most of my steps forward in mental health this year. But I also can’t ignore the fact that change only occurs when people take action, and people like me are the ones who should be taking action the most.

Man. It just really grinds my gears.

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Further reading

The Weekly Deathmatch #61 – Destiny 2 – Kristian Loves Videogames

Year to Year: A Journal Through Time #22 – A Non-Post (18/6/19)

Recent headlines

World: Lives ‘destroyed by NHS eating disorder failures’ (Mental health services being neglected yet again is sadly less than shocking news.)

Gaming: Some LEGO Star Wars Fans Want More Grunting (You better believe I’m #TeamGrunting)

I’m playing: Assassin’s Creed Odyssey, Destiny 2, All things PSVR

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Friends, I have just had something wonderful: a week off! And due to this week off, I haven’t done or seen much that has caused me to reflect, consider certain things about the world, or experience anything which I can write around 700 words about. So there shall be no real journal entry this week. My apologies if this is a disappointment to anyone! Now would be a great time to remind you that I’m writing this a year in advance, so I don’t know if this has magically taken off and gained a readership that would actually be disappointed by this (unlikely), or if it’s just me coming back here each week (definitely likely). Either way, I am extending my week off to cover this journal entry. Ciao for niao!

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Further reading:

The Weekly Deathmatch #60 – Unreal Tournament 2004 – This and That

Introverted Lifestyle – My New Reality (Seeing as this is a video series I’m making about my own life, I figure it may be of some interest to readers of this journal.)

Year to Year: A Journal Through Time #21 – Aging is Not Decaying (11/6/19)

Recent headlines

World: Tory Leadership Contest feed (I still don’t agree with the idea of a new Tory leader becoming PM by default without a public vote)

Gaming: E3 2019: full games list, schedule and press conference recap (My highlights: Animal Crossing New Horizons, LEGO Star Wars, and Elden Ring)

I’ve been playing: Apex Legends, Assassin’s Creed Odyssey (I am addicted), Various PSVR Titles (more on that below).

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My generation have this terrible habit of aging themselves up for the sake of existential dread. I recall myself and countless others un-ironically lamenting the fact that we were old on our 21st birthdays. More commonly, it’s heard from people who are approaching thirty, and while that’s perhaps more understandable it is still, I think, overblown in relation to the ultimate timescale of our lives. But then, we’ll see how I feel about that statement six years from now.

I turned 24 the other day, and for the first few months of this year I was miserable about it. 24 sounds like a solid age for an adult to have their shit together, and I absolutely do not have my shit together. There’s many things I wanted to have done in my life by this point, and with each passing birthday I’ve been feeling more disheartened with the things I haven’t done. And no, this isn’t the blog post where I talk about an epiphany I’ve had which has changed my ability to sort my life out. But if you’ve been following this journal at all, hopefully you’ve had some idea as to the process of my mind these last few months. I’m in a healthier place, I think. I’m giving myself less shit and opening my mind to new ideas. I’m rediscovering my identity as a writer. And most relevant to this post, I no longer resent growing older.

In fact, one of the very triggers which sparked this renewed approach to life was a tweet, which I’ve since lost. It said something along the lines of the importance of embracing aging, as not everyone gets that choice. And that’s not a philosophy which is new to me; I had an English teacher who told us that he looked forward to greying, that he couldn’t wait to look in the mirror and realise he had crow’s feet. But something about this tweet, maybe the wording, maybe just the fact that I read it at the right time, it resonated with me. It forced me to look at myself and how much I was punishing myself for having wasted my life. It reminded me that I was 23. Not 83. Not 53. 23. And I’d grown so scared of becoming a bitter and resentful old man that I was risking becoming a bitter and resentful young man instead.

I was looking at my life on a scale of year dot to year eighty, and I was maximising the window of opportunity in previous years whilst minimising the entire scale of living in years to come. It sounds absurd, but looking back almost seemed like a further journey than looking forwards. And that is incredibly damaging to the human mind.

In an entirely different topic of conversation, I’ve got myself a VR headset and it’s only ruddy fantastic. I am overjoyed, and I am going to spend much of my week off exploring this new medium of gameplay and other experiences. So far I’ve faced down massive demons in DOOM VFR, begun my training as rhythmic Jedi in Beat Saber, explored my favourite single-player game of all time in Skyrim VR, and more. The future is awesome.

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Further reading

The Weekly Deathmatch #59 – DOOM VFR – Mother of Gore

Year to Year: A Journal Through Time #20 – The Other Worlds of History (4/6/19)

Recent headlines:

World: PM to challenge Trump’s approach on climate (Oh good, we’re saved)

Gaming: Microsoft is bring more games to Steam (Crackdown plsssss)

I’ve been playing: World of Warcraft (PvP time), Super Mario Bros (yes, that one.)

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I love history. I love history because it challenges our notions of what normality is. Normality for me was the starting template of school, making friends, growing within the educational system, leaving, attending university, getting a job… and much more to come. Normality for me is the domesticated life which leaves room for hobbies and encourages creativity. If my life was a story, the main antagonists would be poor mental health and ignorance from people in power. Omitting quite a few larger details, that basic picture is what normality is for me, what life is. But a few thousand years ago, normality for someone else included the expectation that you’d join the army, don heavy armour and cut down foes with a sword. Normality was defending your home against barbaric invaders with spear and shield. A completely different world.

History is fascinating to me because a lot of the events which shaped our world now sound like fantastical stories. I see humans walking down the street, caught up in their normal lives with their phones and their cars and their jobs, who in a different time would be warriors, smiths, map-makers. Most of us aren’t giving a second thought to how much the world around us defines who we are. In a thousand years, if we still exist, who will these people who walk the streets be then? What will be important to them? What will they think of the humans of 2019? I can’t imagine history is going to look back on us fondly, or as much more than a society which was obsessed with burying their heads in the sand.

I’m rambling about history because a new HBO miniseries has been exploring the events of the catastrophe of the nuclear power plant of Chernobyl in 1986. This isn’t ancient history, but it’s fascinating in an altogether different way in that this was the world nine years before I was born; a world before smartphones and widespread adoption of the internet, and thus, a world before easily accessible and fast-travelling information. This is also set in Soviet Ukraine, so a cultural divide is more prominent than a historical one, for sure. Information is clearly shown to be weaponized here, with paranoia and ignorance fuelling mismanagement and misunderstanding on a colossally deadly scale.

Chernobyl is fascinating, yes, but more-so terrifying. I don’t personally recall being taught anything about the events of the Chernobyl disaster in school – whether due to a gap in education or my own wandering mind, I don’t know – and while I’ve obviously heard about the broad strokes of what happened, I’ve been watching most of this series in fresh horror. Now this is a drama, so everything has to be taken with a pinch of salt, and I’ll certainly look up the historical accuracy of these plot points when I’ve seen the final episode. But wow. I had no idea how close we came to a much larger scale tragedy occurring in 1986. Several times! In multiple scenarios, if certain people hadn’t made certain actions and decisions at certain times, Chernobyl could have lead to a mostly irradiated Europe or a mostly radioactive European water supply. At least, that’s what I took away from the show. As I said, I’ll be checking up on this later.

My father was 21 when this happened. Now obviously, information on the details of this catastrophe was kept secret for a long time by Soviet Ukraine, but it did eventually come out. I’m trying to imagine what my reaction would be to the news that a nuclear catastrophe has occurred on the other side of the continent, and I think it’d mostly be one of intense fear. I mean, I’m already appalled at the stalwart apathy world leaders are showing to the climate crisis regarding our impending doom, but something like Chernobyl sounds so much more immediate. My father has told me before about how growing up during the Cold War he pretty much expected the world to end in his lifetime, but this is the first time I think I’ve really stopped to imagine what that must have been like.

I fear that in this blog post I come across as privileged and naive. And I’d just like to say that while my life certainly has its fair share of difficulty, that’s probably fair to say. I’ve grown up in a Western world, never directly affected by war, or famine, or widespread civilian death seen so often throughout history, up to and surpassing Chernobyl. People who want nothing more than to live out their lives, but die due to war driven by some powerful man’s hatred, or due to some disaster mishandled by an apathetic government. I am, relatively speaking, extremely lucky. And one of the reasons why history seems to fantastic to me is because I’ve never had to live through its hardships. Hardships which are still occurring in many places across the globe today. I just felt that I should acknowledge that I know this. But perhaps we all need to be reminded of that sometimes.

Oh bother, I was going to write about how I turn 24 in a few days and how my attitude to aging has changed over recent years. Feels a bit shallow to do that now, here. Maybe next week!

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Further reading:

The Weekly Deathmatch #58 – Splitgate: Arena Warfare – Now You’re Killing With Portals

Writing Prompt 003 – The Man who was Not God

May – A Month of Injustice

On the 25th of May, four police officers arrested George Floyd on suspicion of forgery; one officer in particular applied pressure to his neck for eight long minutes, ignoring pleas of “I can’t breath,” until he died. This was murder, and this was racism, and in the week since America has erupted into protests and riots as their President continues to villify people of colour and encourage police brutality.

I’m not American; I’m a white dude from the UK with no experience of being treated differently for my appearance or identity. But I know life, and I know love, and the murder of George Floyd sits heavy in my gut. To have your life taken away from you from someone who doesn’t even know you, who makes assumptions based on the colour of your skin… I know that we as humans are so much more as individuals than certain people’s prejudices allow them to see. I know that George Floyd is not the only person of colour to be murdered by a figure of authority. I know that I don’t disagree with the protests and the outrage. And I know that Donald Trump is one of the worst human beings to ever be in a position of power.

I typically preach peace and nonviolence, and I’m not about to start baying for blood now. But this entire situation has had me thinking about these beliefs. Pure pacifism won’t solve a problem as systemic and ingrained as the prejudicial evil in the hearts of powerful white men. And yet, every day these riots go by I watch with gritted teeth, knowing that more protestors are being hurt, knowing that some individuals are taking advantage of the chaos for their own ends, knowing that it’s never as simple as Good Vs Evil. Ultimately, I don’t have answers. I do believe that putting these four officers behind bars will restore some semblance of justice, but I don’t for one second believe it will solve anything or undo what’s been done. It just fuckin’ sucks.

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More domestically, we’ve also had hypocrisy from our government regarding lockdown measures, and the rich thinking the rules don’t apply to them because they’re special. But you know what? I really don’t want to get bogged down in all the shitty details of May. It sucks, it bums me out, it doesn’t surprise me in the least, and you don’t need paragraphs from me on why Dominic Cummings was wrong, because if you have two brains cells, you already know.

Personally, then, my month has consisted of Star Wars. No, seriously, that’s pretty accurate. From finally catching up to and finishing the phenomenal Clone Wars series, to dipping my toes into Star Wars: The Old Republic for the first time, to trawling through the lore by way of videos and Wookiepedia articles, this has been the most obsessed I’ve ever been with a Galaxy Far, Far Away. And I’m loving every moment of it. I’ve always been a Star Wars fan, and I’ve consumed external media and lore before, but never to this degree, never with such fervour. I’m currently on the final season of Rebels, and after that I’m going to be at a bit of a loss. I’ll probably watch Rogue One, then the Original Trilogy, then the Sequel Trilogy from there. Get the most out of my Disney Plus, eh? Future plans also include playing through all the class stories in SWTOR – the Jedi Knight story was a full 30 hour experience, and there’s 8 of these things, plus expansions and zone stories – and trying my hand at Jedi: Fallen Order, which I’m receiving for my birthday later this month. I’m all in, baby.

Other than Star Wars, though? Well, if such a world must exist, the usual – work, and otherwise, staying at home. Making the usual array of video content and getting back into livestreaming (again), rediscovering my love of the Tony Hawk games, enjoying the new Elder Scrolls Online expansion, relying on podcasts to keep me sane, all that good stuff. Now, let’s take a peek at what was occurring in 2019 this month.

A Journal Through Time #16

Speaking of picking up a new obsession, this was the week that I truly embraced the world of comics, and let go of my ambitions of reading through the Marvel comic universe chronologically. It’s also cost me £70 when I forgot to turn off auto-renew earlier this month (I believe it was less as an offer last year), but luckily the fine folks at Marvel’s customer support were quick to reimburse me. I will miss having a world of comics at my fingertips, but I got huge value out of my year of Marvel Unlimited and read through hundreds of comics I had interest in. My attention is simply elsewhere, for now.

A Journal Through Time #17

The final season of Game of Thrones was in full swing, and so was internet outrage over the drop in the quality of the narrative. I remain stalwart in my belief that nuance exists, and that while the last two seasons undeniably had issues, they were still some fucking good telly.

A Journal Through Time #18

Annnnd the finale.

And that, future Kristian, is where you were a year ago today. Awestruck and reverent about events which never really happened. How very you.

I mean…. the Clone Wars finale still makes me tear up whenever I watch those last two scenes, so you’re not wrong, past Kristian.

A Journal Through Time #19

I, er, inspired myself when reading this back. This an entry I’ll return to many times in the future, I expect. Not to toot my own horn, or anything, but I really lay out my negative thought processes in a revealing and constructive way. I hope this helps anybody even half as much as it helps me.