Anxiety and Me

At the beginning of the year, I mentioned that I was looking into mental health issues I have relating to anxiety and ADHD, and whilst I don’t have too much to share since (besides the over-stretched nature of the NHS), I have spent three months learning about my anxiety and how it affects me. Today, I’d like to share some of what I’ve learned, both as a reminder for my future self and as a personal experience for anyone who may notice these behaviours within themselves. Plus, I’ll share a general life update with you afterwards! Special treat.

When I first spoke to the mental health practitioner at my local doctors’, she used a word that I’ve found extremely helpful to describe what I do on a daily basis. According to her, I spend a lot of time catastrophising. In other words, my mind takes the express route to town Worst Case Scenario, and it happens a lot. To give a recent example, on Monday I experienced some abdominal pain. Could be anything. Brain said, maybe appendicitis? Turns out, it was not! But boy, did I spend all of Monday thinking about appendicitis. Not for fear of dying or needing an operation. More for fear of the drama it would cause, the interruption to my life, the worries people would have. Of course, I was able to hear the rational part of my brain telling me not all the symptoms aligned, that my father had first hand experience and assured me the pain would be much greater and more immediate were it appendicitis. But here’s the thing about my brain: It doesn’t want to listen to the rational parts. Because the irrational parts now think I’m just talking myself into being fine, that I’m going to die because I’m too stubborn to call the doctors’. I visualise myself dying, and my funeral, multiple times throughout the day. I have a hard time focusing on games and shows that night because of it.

The next day, the pain is mostly gone. I have a great day!

The next day, I notice a spot (now since faded) at the area of the prior pain. Rational brain says, it’s just a spot. Irrational brain says, it could grow into a lump. I lose another day to anxiety. It is exhausting.

At the end of 2021, I developed minor digestive issues which cause heartburn and acid reflux if I drink certain fizzy drinks. I spent the first half of 2022 obsessing over this. (And yes, I went to the doctors. Would you be surprised to hear I’m fine?) One of the issues I face is something akin to imposter syndrome when trying to analyse any problem within myself. Is it heartburn? I don’t know. Did the medication fix it? I guess, but what if I’m wrong? It’s not completely gone. Could be anything!

Point is, I don’t want to be a hypochondriac. And to be clear, my catastrophising is by no means specific to just my health. I believe that despite being a naturally introverted person, my anxiety dramatically limits the amount of time I spend actually visiting friends, especially if they’re not local. It’s something I’ve grown ashamed of, and I worry that friends think I just don’t care. But I’ve come to learn that it’s not a personality flaw, and by sharing it here I hope to help people understand me, or themselves, a little better.

There’s lots more, but this is a public post and you’re not a doctor. Probably. But even if I’m yet to really get a handle on my anxiety, I’ve definitely shifted my mindset away from being hard on myself for facing the issues I face, and that’s been something of a relief. I still get frustrated, but I’m developing counter-arguments for the negativity I levy at myself.

As for my experience getting help for it, it’s still early days, but I’m happy to share what I’ve been through so far. (Keep in mind this is UK based and your experience may vary.) I rang up my doctors asking for an appointment related to anxiety, and spoke to a mental health practitioner who offered me two options: Antidepressants, which I declined, or local mental health services, in this case, Plymouth Options. (Both was probably an option too.) Options set me up on an online CBT course, but due to heavy demand, signed me off from supervisor oversight within the course after just two weeks based on a questionnaire which I apparently answered too positively. When I mentioned this on social media, I had multiple friends and family members contact me telling me they had a similar experience. I subsequently complained to Options, who, to be fair, contacted me seeming legitimately concerned and wanting to hear what went wrong. Today, I had another appointment which puts me back on track within the course.

I need proper counselling, I think, but unfortunately this country isn’t in a position to provide it unless I meet “certain criteria”, or have money to pay for it privately, which I don’t. But for the time being, I’ll give the CBT a second whack. Hopefully the ADHD self-referral I completed with my mental health practitioner two months ago gets a response soon too, so I can enter a six-month waiting list to be seen for that.

So, three months into 2023, that’s where I’m at. If you’re seeing some glaring issues with the NHS here, please remember to vote the Tories out at any opportunity. As for me, I’ve spent my entire life battling this stuff, so don’t worry; treatment for me comes down to quality of life, nothing more.

In other news (I did promise), I’m having another history binge! This time, it’s in the format of a podcast called The History of England, which is a podcast that talks about, well, you might guess. But it’s chronological, from the Dark Ages onwards, and it’s bloody fascinating! Well, it’s a bit long winded, but that’s history for you, isn’t it? I’m also continuing my foray into audiobooks. After reading How To Stop Time by the fantastic Matt Haig, I decided to take on the Doctor Who New Adventure series of novels. I’m only two books deep, but I can tell you that The Clockwise Man is a proper Ninth Doctor adventure.

The entire reason I wrote today’s blog post is because… well, you know when you’re dusting, and you get distracted by something on your bookshelf? It’s the digital equivalent of that. I’ve decided to finally invest in cloud storage, and was moving writing files from my free Dropbox account to this Google Drive when I realised I hadn’t updated The Tombstone Project since 2020. Of course, I read some entries as I was pasting them in to the document, and I realised how far I’ve come in the past three years in regards to my attitude about my own mental health. So, to any ancestors reading this in the far off paradise of the year 2538, don’t worry, Kristian did finally gain some level of self-awareness and seek outside help for his inner problems. Keep reading, as I’m sure it only gets better from here!

To those of you reading today in 2023, though, thank you for caring. Be kind to yourselves and each other.

(Oh, and a note to anyone leaving comments: Speculating about what’s wrong with me would actually be really unhelpful, so please don’t do that <3)