2020 – What A Year It’s Been…

I walk into the break room at work. They’re reporting today’s death count on the news, adding it to the total. Over 60,000 dead so far. Somebody scoffs. “They better not think about doing another lockdown.” Someone replies: “I’m not changing my Christmas.”

2020 sucked.

I would be lying if I said that it wasn’t a year defined by death, division, selfishness and anxiety. It was not a fun one to live through. And while 2021 is only hours away, 2020’s problems persist; the hope brought by vaccinations has been swiftly quelled by outbreaks of new strains of the virus, apparently easier to transmit than before. But vaccinations are nevertheless on the horizon, so 2021 should at least look better in retrospective than 2020. The age of lockdowns, working from home, zoom calls, masks, life being put on hold and fear shortening everyone’s tempers is hopefully coming to an end. I just wish we could put it behind us as easily as I’m able to put a full stop at the end of this paragraph to move on.

Good things happened too.

Personally for me, I’ve spent this year re-evaluating important moments of my life and how I dealt with them. For years on end, I’ve had this disconnect with my emotions, to the point where if I felt upset about something I’d subsequently punish myself for being overly dramatic or attention seeking. I’ve spent this year forgiving my reactions and emotional states of being. It’s hard to explain exactly, but it’s been hugely liberating to simply accept myself, and to recognise certain mental behaviours in myself and the causes of them. I’d go so far as to say that this kind of self-evaluation paid off later in the year when my cat passed away. In previous years, I may have been cruel to myself about the extent to which I was grieving over a cat, but this time I was able to recognise how important it was to grieve in such a way, and as a result dealt with the situation in a far healthier manner. I wasn’t just “grieving over a cat”, I was lamenting the loss of Coral, my closest companion for many years.

Man. When one of the highlights of your year is “taught myself not to hate myself over being sad”, you know it’s been a good one.

You may notice that this year’s retrospective has kind of replaced December’s monthly update, and if I’m being honest, it’s because there’s not really much to tell about December that can’t also be summarised by the discussion of this year as a whole. As I mentioned earlier, Christmas was strained for a lot of people. I had a good one, but my heart goes out to many of my friends who were unable to see their families over the holiday period. I alluded earlier to my distaste of those refusing to alter their Christmas plans, but I truly do agree that the entire situation sucked. My ire is more directed to the selfish nature of “I’m not changing my ways” which has led to the current state of the country as it is now, with the help of some truly incompetent politicians right at the top. You know, the ones who paid people to go out and eat at restaurants and then blamed the subsequent spike in Covid cases on partying teenagers. Those politicians.

Before we get out of full 2020 hindsight mode (yes yes ha ha), allow me to air one last grievance: marketing. “2020 has sucked, so buy yourself something nice!” “With the way this year has gone, don’t you need to feel better about yourself? Buy a new car!” “2020 has been truly awful. That’s why it’s time for TOOTHPASTE!” I exaggerate of course, but there have been so many advertisements which try to sell you on products by invoking the pandemic, and it leaves such a bad taste in my mouth. I know that the cold, heartless truth of the situation is that companies are struggling right now and therefore can’t afford to consider the ethics of leveraging consumers’ pandemic-depression to make money, but fuck man, I’ve seen like, nobody talking about this. And it really grinds my goddamn gears.

My new year’s resolution is to get off this goddamn planet.

My new year’s resolution is twofold: Firstly, to find the courage within myself to continue to move forwards through life, and secondly, to respect my limitations and remain mindful of my mental wellbeing. Striking the balance between these two things is a monumental task, but stagnating and living in a rut will only lead me down the path of ruin.

Anyways, sorry if this post was a little shorter than usual! I just don’t particularly enjoy discussing 2020 as a year. 2021 shall be better.

November – A Month of Good Things

Yes, you read that right – good things! Relatively speaking, anyway. I know a lot of horrible stuff probably still happened somewhere to somebody. But for me, November was a much needed break from the eldritch horror of tentacles and words without vowels that has been 2020.

Let’s get the main one out of the way: The people of the United States of America have voted for Joe Biden over Donald Trump as their next President!! And yes, it shouldn’t have been that close, and yes, there are some very legitimate concerns about Trump not wanting to surrender the White House, but let’s put that aside for a second and talk about how for many years now, it’s felt like evil rules the world. Men with thoughts of money and power have ascended to the coveted seat of world leader and divided the common people with carefully rehearsed lies or incompetent blundering. I remember some time ago feeling optimistic about humankind embracing modern perspectives, but these last few years have seen so much regression on that front that it breaks my heart. So much more hate crime, so much more fearmongering and division and cruelty. So much infuriating political rhetoric about non-political matters.

I watched the election through the gaps between my fingers as the frightening first numbers came in. Memories of countless elections past returned, that feeling of hopelessness as thousands of disadvantaged people voted for the government that impoverished them due to some loud or silver-tongued individual selling them lies. It’s a bloody familiar feeling at this point. (Seriously. Fuck the Tories.) But as the hours and days passed, as the postal votes came in, hope began to take root, and my not-so-great overtime shift at work turned into one of the best shifts ever when the news finally broke that Biden had won. No matter the numbers – which are less depressing too when you look at the stats of individual votes – hope and love and knowledge had finally won, in one of the most influential places in the world. Because, like it or not, whatever the United States do, the United Kingdom seems to follow, be it war, preference of politicians, or fast food chains.

But that’s not all! Don’t take this blog post as a source scientific information because I am absolutely not an expert, but by the looks of things a vaccination for Covid is on the way! And it has like 90-95% effectiveness! That’s so good! This long nightmare may finally be over soon, though I hasten to add that while we’re all excited about the removal of restrictions to our lives, this pandemic will never leave those who have lost loved ones to the virus. Plus, the way we’ve collectively handled this virus – at least in the UK and the US – should serve as a massive red flag as to our effectiveness to tackle global issues that threaten our very lives. Disinformation, politicisation of preventative measures and general idiocy has cost us irreversibly.

Good things, though – this post is about good things! Well, personally, it’s been an absolutely fantastic time to have the hobbies that I do. Firstly, on the general gaming side of things, the new consoles launched and for the first time ever I got one on launch day! I’m doing the £20 a month for 2 years thing with my Xbox Series S & Game Pass Ultimate, and so far I’m having a grand old time. For more on that, head to my sister blog where I’ll be discussing my first month with Xbox in detail on December 10th. Furthermore, on the slightly more niche side of my hobby, the latest World of Warcraft expansion just released, and it’s absolutely fantastic. I’ve been playing since 2014 and I’ve never felt so invested in the game’s world and story.

2020 has been pretty fucking awful, but November for me was a much needed reminder that good things can and do happen, and hobbies can shine outside of just being a necessary escape. Here’s hoping November was a portent of things to come.