November – A Month of Good Things

Yes, you read that right – good things! Relatively speaking, anyway. I know a lot of horrible stuff probably still happened somewhere to somebody. But for me, November was a much needed break from the eldritch horror of tentacles and words without vowels that has been 2020.

Let’s get the main one out of the way: The people of the United States of America have voted for Joe Biden over Donald Trump as their next President!! And yes, it shouldn’t have been that close, and yes, there are some very legitimate concerns about Trump not wanting to surrender the White House, but let’s put that aside for a second and talk about how for many years now, it’s felt like evil rules the world. Men with thoughts of money and power have ascended to the coveted seat of world leader and divided the common people with carefully rehearsed lies or incompetent blundering. I remember some time ago feeling optimistic about humankind embracing modern perspectives, but these last few years have seen so much regression on that front that it breaks my heart. So much more hate crime, so much more fearmongering and division and cruelty. So much infuriating political rhetoric about non-political matters.

I watched the election through the gaps between my fingers as the frightening first numbers came in. Memories of countless elections past returned, that feeling of hopelessness as thousands of disadvantaged people voted for the government that impoverished them due to some loud or silver-tongued individual selling them lies. It’s a bloody familiar feeling at this point. (Seriously. Fuck the Tories.) But as the hours and days passed, as the postal votes came in, hope began to take root, and my not-so-great overtime shift at work turned into one of the best shifts ever when the news finally broke that Biden had won. No matter the numbers – which are less depressing too when you look at the stats of individual votes – hope and love and knowledge had finally won, in one of the most influential places in the world. Because, like it or not, whatever the United States do, the United Kingdom seems to follow, be it war, preference of politicians, or fast food chains.

But that’s not all! Don’t take this blog post as a source scientific information because I am absolutely not an expert, but by the looks of things a vaccination for Covid is on the way! And it has like 90-95% effectiveness! That’s so good! This long nightmare may finally be over soon, though I hasten to add that while we’re all excited about the removal of restrictions to our lives, this pandemic will never leave those who have lost loved ones to the virus. Plus, the way we’ve collectively handled this virus – at least in the UK and the US – should serve as a massive red flag as to our effectiveness to tackle global issues that threaten our very lives. Disinformation, politicisation of preventative measures and general idiocy has cost us irreversibly.

Good things, though – this post is about good things! Well, personally, it’s been an absolutely fantastic time to have the hobbies that I do. Firstly, on the general gaming side of things, the new consoles launched and for the first time ever I got one on launch day! I’m doing the £20 a month for 2 years thing with my Xbox Series S & Game Pass Ultimate, and so far I’m having a grand old time. For more on that, head to my sister blog where I’ll be discussing my first month with Xbox in detail on December 10th. Furthermore, on the slightly more niche side of my hobby, the latest World of Warcraft expansion just released, and it’s absolutely fantastic. I’ve been playing since 2014 and I’ve never felt so invested in the game’s world and story.

2020 has been pretty fucking awful, but November for me was a much needed reminder that good things can and do happen, and hobbies can shine outside of just being a necessary escape. Here’s hoping November was a portent of things to come.

Year to Year: A Journal Through Time #13 – Goodness Me (15/4/19)

Recent headlines

World: Notre-Dame Cathedral: Firefighters tackle blaze in Paris (This is happening as I type, and it’s a damn shame. I hope nobody gets hurt.)

Gaming: Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order – Release Date and Everything We Know (This should be out by the time this publishes, but with the gaming industry the way it is, a delay might be a blessing)

---

(Skip this first paragraph if you’re still avoiding Game of Thrones Season 8 spoilers.)

I’m at my family reunion, and it’s safe to say that would should have been a long-awaited pleasant homecoming is instead fraught with tension. My sister keeps disappearing without a trace, nobody knows how to talk to act around my brother with his new disability, and my eldest brother and sister have fallen out over his new girlfriend, who’s also come over to stay. It doesn’t help that she’s brought her fully-grown dragons with her. And- wait a minute, I’m not a Stark. I’m just so incredibly invested in this show that I’ve forgotten what reality is.

That’s right, Game of Thrones is back, and I spent hours upon hours last night watching fan theory videos and deep dives into the lore of the World of Ice and Fire. The show is on its eighth and final season, and while future Kristian and possibly you, reader, know how it ends, the Kristian who is writing this does not, and is uncertain as to what a post-Thrones life even looks like. Hell, I’m listening to the soundtrack while writing this and Mother of Dragons from the second season just came on; the hairs on the back of my neck just stood up. This show has done a better job of exploring a living world of people and families and politics and war than any other piece of fiction that I’ve ever explored. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that it’s also home to dragons and zombies and wolfboys and giants.

Reality, however, persists around me, and as arduous as it is I suppose I’m along for the ride, so let’s focus on that. I’ve been focusing on putting more goodness into the world recently, by way of small favours sprinkled in with the occasional grander gesture. Thing is, this isn’t something I’ve decided to do consciously, it’s just something I noticed myself doing when looking back over the last few weeks. And it’s all a bit wanky to go on about it, so I won’t, but I do want to mention that the feeling of doing something good for another human being is a natural high that is actually quite addictive. When I was sixteen I wanted to save the world, and I often give myself shit for that; it was a dream born of a desire to be seen as someone important, as a hero figure, and therefore my positive outlook on life was forced, false and doomed to fail. This latest bout of good behaviour, for want of a better term, isn’t from a place of wanting to be seen in any particular way, but is simply built on the fact that it makes me feel like my life has that little bit more value. It’s still a selfish motivation when all is said and done, but a less delusional one. I’ll take it.

I think that, when I was younger, I was so obsessed with the idea of being remembered that I lost my way in fears of being forgotten, and of ceasing to exist. Having navigated my way through this existential crisis, however, I’m happier to just make a smaller impact on the here and now. It’s no great change in my lifestyle or some grand epiphany; I think it’s just an indication that I’m in a better place than I was in 2018. (Hoo boy. What a year.)

I was going to talk about Nintendo Labo VR after that but I think that would that tonal shift would give you whiplash, dear reader, but if you are interested in my thoughts, feel free to check out the Weekly Deathmatch episode about it below.

---

Further reading

The Weekly Deathmatch #51 – Robot Roller Derby Disco Dodgeball – The Labo VR Ramble

Game of Thrones Season 8 Trailer – Hey, remember this? You probably wish you could go back in time to re-watch it with a blank memory. Meanwhile, I just wish I could watch the entire series at once. Wanna swap?

My Motivation

This is a fairly personal blog post that explores death and grief. Fair warning, it’s a positive message but if you’re not feeling up to these themes, spare yourself the read 🙂

Last year I discovered that for me, peace of mind came in the form of creating. Writing, recording, streaming, editing, anything that results in a digestible form of entertainment or otherwise narrative content gives me a feeling of satisfaction unmatched by all else. So far, I’m yet to accrue much of an outside audience, but that’s almost become secondary to the point by now. Personal project or global phenomenon, what matters is that my ideas, thoughts and feelings exist outside my own mind, and are available in other mediums for anyone to access.

If I’m being honest, this may well be what the other side of an existential crisis looks like. For some time I believed in an afterlife “out of necessity”, but I eventually found myself dedicating too much thought to the matter and discovered a fear of oblivion. Even when I grew to accept it by talking myself into the school of thought that there’s no point fearing something you won’t exist to experience, I’d still grown far too accustomed to the idea of my own mortality. Rarely a day goes by when I don’t consider death, the passage of time or the concept of age and decay, and that’s probably not healthy.

Regarding my creative resurgence, what changed me for the most part… and I hope anyone involved doesn’t mind me discussing this, but after my Nan’s funeral last year I heard lots of things about her earlier life that I never knew, and it inspired me. When I was sixteen I wanted to leave my mark on the world by saving it, and when I grew out of that fantasy I sort of… lost my spark. And while there’s certain aspirations I’ve still not quite recovered, people I’ve lost in life – my Mum, my Nan – have inspired me to make a mark on the world however I can, even if it’s just a small, personal one for those around me.

So I make dumb videos, but they’re about my week, and I know that in a few decades they’ll be worth more to me than they are now, and hopefully they’ll mean something to others. I tweet incessantly, knowing that every throwaway thought is archived – ten years’ worth, so far. But I write, I edit and I create nearly every day now, whittling away at the version of me that will remain when I’ve passed, hopefully a day very far from this one. For myself, for others, in memory of those I’ve lost and in defiance of the force of entropy.

There. That sounded impressive, didn’t it? Ooh, I’m quite pleased.

Anger, Change and Evolution

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, and – all joking aside – that’s something I often try to avoid doing. My mind has this wonderful habit of spinning one idea off of another until I’m bouncing them off the walls faster than they can form… which would be great, if these ideas were to do with writing stories. More often than not, however, they’re related to one of two things: the current state of society, and the current state of myself. But that’s a story for another time, and the fact that I don’t try to distract myself from thinking like this anymore is, I hope, somewhat progressive.

The main things that keep popping up to me are how people react to change, and how angry everyone is at everything. No seriously, everything. It’s unhealthy. Find someone on the street and they’ll happily rant to you about how fucking ridiculous the government is. Speak to a gamer and they might tell you about how the state of their chosen gaming franchise is going downhill as if it’s the end of the world. A bus arrives five minutes late due to unavoidable traffic and the driver is treated like he’s just murdered the customer’s puppy.

And I refuse to be a hypocrite here. I’m certainly no meditating, nature appreciating poet. Hell, if I take a few moments longer to do something than is necessary, I’ll swear; earlier I told my shoes to fuck off for not getting off my feet quickly enough, decorated my bed with a few choice obscenities for making me swerve to avoid it in my unnecessary hurry. And I can’t help but look back and wonder if it’s really worth frowning so many times in a day. I’m sure many people reading this will be the same, although probably not quite as worked up about the taking off of shoes… I’m getting pretty bad.

In regards to change, people lose their minds when something is no longer the way it used to be, whether it’s for the better or not. I’ve seen it countless times on the internet at least, where a website will simply change its layout and people go freaking nuts. You’d think the changing of an alignment was on par with the culling of a species the way the reactions can sound. The thing I’ve come to realise over the last few years is that change is good, and that a failure to let go of version A when version B rolls around is a serious problem. For example: we all love Bulbasaur (and if you don’t then leave this blog and never return). But when it comes to beating the game, you’re going to have to train that adorable little critter into the mighty and unstoppable Venusaur. And although it may seem ridiculous to use Pokemon as an analogy, it fits in with my next point.

Evolution. (No, not still talking about Pokemon.) The evolution of the self is a startlingly important process and if you shy away from it, you’re essentially dooming yourself to walk around in circles for the rest of your life. It’s why my secondary school friends think I’m absolutely nuts and my university friends think I’m… somewhat less nuts. I hope.

My favourite part of fiction is usually a good bit of character development, because that’s the part the echoes our own universe no matter what the genre or topic. Whether it’s A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man or Doctor Who, the development of the character always mirrors the changes I see in people as years pass, and whilst many go on about “You’ve changed” or “Remember the good old times” or “The world has moved on*”, I’ve found that when you let go of times passed and focus on the present, you’ll typically find it’s for the better.

So to be angry at change is as ridiculous as being angry at Venusaur for no longer being Bulbasaur. And whilst I accept that some changes are worth getting angry about (looking at you, George Osbourne) I maintain that it is never, under any circumstances worth getting angry about change for the sake of change. Unless you have no spare change for the parking ticket and that’s what you’re angry about. That’s always a bummer.

*yes, that was a reference to The Dark Tower. I’m still in the middle of it and enjoying it wholeheartedly.