A Beginner’s World Crafting Woes

I like fantasy. It’s pretty much my go-to fiction. And what I like most about a good fantasy world is its lore, how its gods shaped the lands and the origin of magic, and all that good stuff. And so naturally, I’ve been drawn to the idea of creating my own fantasy world. But it really is no small feat.

I’ve had this idea for a fantasy world in my head since about December, but I’ve still not found myself capable of sitting down and fleshing out the world. Some would probably advise me to just write and see what happens from there, but I’ve tried that and I find myself hitting a wall every 5 minutes because I’ve not already established the laws and rules of the world. And yet, sitting down and trying to plot everything out and build the world from scratch, despite sounding like a super interesting and fun task, quickly devolves into boredom or an itching to write in a universe that’s already been made.

The general idea is to create a fantasy world that I’m going to be able to write new stories in for years to come, whether they be short stories, novels, or other forms of fiction. This would mean establishing a timeline of events and considering how much I want to shape and change the world with each storytelling event that happens within it. Some stories would inevitably feature heroes and villains on a scale of which would make history and be spoken of for generations. Other stories would be smaller, more focused on the lives of the everyday, perhaps those who stand in the shadows of these forerunning legends and have to live with the consequences of their actions. I’m actually more interested in writing the latter of those two possibilities. But every time I attempt to make a start or continue to build the world, I run into issues of attention span and motivation which I won’t bore you with in this blog post.

I’ve also considered the idea that I’m starting off too grand in my storytelling ventures. As a new writer, I should perhaps consider a standalone novel or something, unrelated to this world which I want to build. But my default genre and current direction of writing is fantasy, and I’ve found that fantasy always demands these grand worlds and extended universes, lest they be insubstantial, boring, or lacking in the sense of wonder and scale that attracts many to the genre.

Maybe I should just keep at it. Writing this blog post alone has somehow spurred me into considering making another attempt at the fiction for the first time in weeks. Lately I’ve been considering removing myself from the internet for one day of the week each week, in an attempt to spur myself into creativity as opposed to the mindless consumption that I so readily tap into. I don’t know. I’ll continue to work on methods of self-motivation. If you have any tips for me, I’d be more than willing to hear them.

UPDATE: After writing this blog post and before publishing it, I decided to try and write something within that fantasy universe mentioned in this blog post. I wrote 1,344 words, and it feels like the prologue of a longer narrative. Woo, go me!

PSA – Domain Change

So for some years now, this blog has been registered under the domain kristianrichmond.net. However, current financial arrangements mean that I may soon be losing ownership of this domain, and you’ll have to find this blog by typing in kristianrichmond.wordpress.com instead. Update your bookmarks! Or simply give me a follow, if you like. I do plan for this change to be temporary, but I can’t give an estimate as to how long it’ll be before I can afford to drop £20 on a .net domain again.

If this domain persists, then I’ve been unable to get my money back from WordPress billing me a month early and without my automatic consent. But every cloud, eh.

Aspects (A Discontented Ramble)

When I was younger – say, sixteen – I held the belief… the unconscious assumption that life could be figured out, and that a state of self-acceptance and happiness could be achieved. And whilst I’m not quite jaded enough to say that this is an impossibility, I’m growing to realise that 100% self satisfaction might be as much of a myth as the perfect human being. And that’s because of how self contradictory we are in nature. For instance, I’m an introvert who prefers their own company most of the time, and at the same time I want more friends. I’m creative, and I’m lazy. I have ambitions which require lots of work, but I’m easily distracted. I get bored of things I’m passionate about. And I believe I am no different to anyone else in regard to this inner contrast.

In the last few years I’ve come to believe – or understand, or realise – that we (or at least I) aren’t simply one person, as one might find in a work of fiction. We’re multiple people. Or, if you want to be less poetic about it, we carry within ourselves different aspects which, depending on who you are, can drastically affect your personality depending on the situation. The most extreme and easily relatable example I can think of would be the difference between yourself when you’re at work, and yourself when you’re out with friends. And this is, of course, no great revelation, as most people are familiar with the concept of professionalism. But taking this idea further, I believe that we are on a subconscious level made up of multitudes of aspects, and we can’t always control who we are at a particular time. I can’t decide to always be the happily introverted gamer / writer when sitting at my desk at home. And while this isn’t an issue most of the time, when your aspects are as self-contradictory as mine currently are, it can leave you in a mess.

Ar this point, I’m going to stop pretending that this blog post isn’t about me, and my discontent. And with that, I’ll segue into talking about how discussing states of personal being without the safety of anonymity is greatly uncomfortable for me. But recently, and for reasons of my own, I’ve found myself without an outlet or point of discussion for my feelings, and found myself wishing I had some sort of an audience to share these thoughts with those who weren’t people that I knew in real life. And then, of course, I realised how unhealthy and unfair that is. So here we are.

I really like my job, but I’m not earning enough. I’m looking for another, but I’m finding nothing. I dislike social outings, but I want to meet new people. I love my family, but I wish to move out. I want to make my own way in life, but I’m frustratingly poor. I want to write, but my ideas disinterest me. I want to be confident, but I don’t find myself likeable. In short, I’m not unhappy, but I am discontent. This is not a cry for help, but an exercise in sharing. The most I can ask of you is your patience.

The Other Side of Narcissism

Before I say anything, I’ll just say that this honestly isn’t a criticism I’m levelling at anyone I know in my life. Nor is this post against those with problems of self-imagery, or other mental health concerns. I’m discussing mostly myself and the music I listen to in this blog post.

Narcissism is something that most of us harbour to an extent in today’s world of selfies, but it’s generally something that we strive to keep to a minimum. But when you think of narcissism – of self-obsession – you always tend to think of people who are self-complimentary, or who spend an unhealthy amount of time on their appearance and trying to manage how others perceive them. But something that’s been on the edge of my mind for the last few years – and something that’s only fully hit me as I’ve revisited some heavier music that I’ve enjoyed over the years – is that hating yourself can be just as narcissistic as loving yourself.

So I’m listening to this Beartooth song for the first time. It’s called Loser. And for the most part, it’s a good song. But there’s this one lyric that stands out to me: “I was born just a little bit different.” And it gets under my skin.

Now, to be fair, I don’t know the context behind this lyric. It might be referring to a medical condition of the singer’s (or songwriter’s) that has affected their life for the worse. It may be referring to a situational disadvantage in their upbringing. But on a personal level, it reminds me painfully of my teenage self. Not to delve into too much detail, whilst I was never born into disadvantage or apathy, I lived through a personal tragedy at a young age, and was – and still am – actively aware of how it shaped me as a person going forwards. Which is fine. But I also became obsessed with comparing myself to others and discussing, at length, my emotions and how I was different to others in my fledgling literary works growing up. If I could go ten years back in time to give myself some advice, it’d be that going through a tragedy doesn’t make you any wiser, any more intelligent, or any more complex than those that you condemn as being “normal”.

I’ll be honest. I don’t entirely regret those years of self-evaluation. It was therapeutic, and laying down the metaphorical geography of my mind was probably essential to my development as a human being. But it was also an exercise in narcissism. A man who studies himself in the mirror for hours, whether he is practising his smile or spitting on himself, is still a man who studies himself in the mirror for hours. And, as with anything else that becomes the sole focus of your attention for an extended period of time, you lose the ability to view it from a fresh perspective, thereby blinding you to many issues that you’re spending hours of your life looking for.

I feel like a lot of people don’t realise that self-hatred can still be a self-obsession, if not moderated and managed. I know that a lot of the songwriters of my favourite music have analysed themselves in as much unhealthy scrutiny that I have. And whilst self-criticism and evaluation is always important, the point of obsession is as unhealthy to those around you as it is to yourself. Not just by voicing your self-remarks, but by thinking about them for hours and hours.

One more thing. I’m not saying that self-hatred or issues of self-image are a choice or a product of a changeable attitude, or anything remotely like that. To think such things would be to blatantly disregard the complexity and seriousness of mental health. I speak more directly of those whose self-evaluation is more about reasons of a selfish nature, as mine was. I’m nowhere near qualified or educated enough to speak intimately of such matters, but I believe there is a fundamental difference between issues of mental health, and issues of personality and attitude. But that’s a whole other blog post.

Well… this unasked-for blog post of commentary on self-obsession all came about when I decided to simply change my Twitter bio. I realised that I’d spent eight and a half years trying to sum myself up in less than 160 characters, growing more uncomfortable with each attempt; it is now suitably unspecific. But then, this mere self-analysis of the dangers of self-analysis only goes to show that following your own advice is as difficult as ignoring the face in the mirror.