When I was younger – say, sixteen – I held the belief… the unconscious assumption that life could be figured out, and that a state of self-acceptance and happiness could be achieved. And whilst I’m not quite jaded enough to say that this is an impossibility, I’m growing to realise that 100% self satisfaction might be as much of a myth as the perfect human being. And that’s because of how self contradictory we are in nature. For instance, I’m an introvert who prefers their own company most of the time, and at the same time I want more friends. I’m creative, and I’m lazy. I have ambitions which require lots of work, but I’m easily distracted. I get bored of things I’m passionate about. And I believe I am no different to anyone else in regard to this inner contrast.
In the last few years I’ve come to believe – or understand, or realise – that we (or at least I) aren’t simply one person, as one might find in a work of fiction. We’re multiple people. Or, if you want to be less poetic about it, we carry within ourselves different aspects which, depending on who you are, can drastically affect your personality depending on the situation. The most extreme and easily relatable example I can think of would be the difference between yourself when you’re at work, and yourself when you’re out with friends. And this is, of course, no great revelation, as most people are familiar with the concept of professionalism. But taking this idea further, I believe that we are on a subconscious level made up of multitudes of aspects, and we can’t always control who we are at a particular time. I can’t decide to always be the happily introverted gamer / writer when sitting at my desk at home. And while this isn’t an issue most of the time, when your aspects are as self-contradictory as mine currently are, it can leave you in a mess.
Ar this point, I’m going to stop pretending that this blog post isn’t about me, and my discontent. And with that, I’ll segue into talking about how discussing states of personal being without the safety of anonymity is greatly uncomfortable for me. But recently, and for reasons of my own, I’ve found myself without an outlet or point of discussion for my feelings, and found myself wishing I had some sort of an audience to share these thoughts with those who weren’t people that I knew in real life. And then, of course, I realised how unhealthy and unfair that is. So here we are.
I really like my job, but I’m not earning enough. I’m looking for another, but I’m finding nothing. I dislike social outings, but I want to meet new people. I love my family, but I wish to move out. I want to make my own way in life, but I’m frustratingly poor. I want to write, but my ideas disinterest me. I want to be confident, but I don’t find myself likeable. In short, I’m not unhappy, but I am discontent. This is not a cry for help, but an exercise in sharing. The most I can ask of you is your patience.
Perpetually Perturbed 