It Took Me 25 Years To Realise I’m Bi

For a quarter of a century, I was fairly convinced that I was squarely in the heterosexual camp. I mean, sure, I’d flirt with my male friends all the time, but that was just jokes. Sometimes I’d give the idea due consideration, but then I’d measure my personality against those of the sterotypically gay men I’d see in media and the like, and that shoe just didn’t fit for me. And whilst I’ve always been accepting of people from all walks of life, some awkward part of me always backed away from the notion of being queer because I was worried it would make me different.

There’s a reason I’ve kept my bisexuality largely to myself since I realised a few years ago. Firstly, I wanted to be certain. And while I’m still figuring out just where on the bisexuality spectrum I personally sit (heterosexual biromantic, heteroromantic bisexual, that kind of thing), I know enough to be comfortable calling myself bi without the risk of doubling back on myself a few years from now. Which is also totally fine. People can change their minds! I grew up in an era of sexuality being a binary absolute that defined your personality, which is a concept I’ve learned to be a societal falsity.

Ooh, societal falsity. We’re throwing out some fancy terms today.

The main thing I want to get across is the genuine euphoria I’ve felt since accepting myself as bi. And I’m talking from an identity standpoint. Once I accepted that I was bi, I felt this weight lifting from me that I didn’t know I was carrying before. I felt liberated from the burden of adhering to a personality I didn’t know I was trying to be. And the funny part is, I don’t think I’ve actually changed as a person since coming out to myself. I’m not suddenly flamboyant or effeminate; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being so, but that’s just not me. Society had taught me that this was the essence of being queer, but as many of us learn throughout life, the world is much more diverse and nuanced than any amount of portrayal within media would have us believe.

The other thing I didn’t realise about being bi is that it’s not a 50/50 split of attraction, if we’re talking fem and masc. (I mean, firstly, bisexuality is about attraction to all genders; the etymology of the word is a little outdated, and from my understanding pansexuality is a little different.) The best way I could phrase it is that I’m attracted to men in a different way to women, and I’m still kind of figuring out the shape of that. But also, since it took me 25 years to realise I was bi, you won’t be surprised to realise I still fall more on the side of being attracted to women. That’s not something I like to admit too often, because I feel like I’m trying to add some sort of heterosexual-appeasing qualifier to my sexuality, but since we’re talking about this in detail today, I don’t mind stating it. Similarly, I have bisexual friends who are more attracted to genders matching theirs. I’ve yet to meet anyone truly “50/50”.

The last thing I want to address is the people who may be reading this wondering, why should this matter? Hopefully you’ll have picked up on this reading some of what I’ve discussed above, but it’s mostly a personal thing. I want people to know who I am. Being bi isn’t just about who I’m attracted to, it’s part of my identity. It’s a lens through which I see the world. It’s something that may be a little hard to grasp if it’s something you’ve never personally wrestled with. But just being bi and knowing I’m bi has made me much happier as a person! Plus, coming out is exhausting, so if I can tell everyone at once that really lessens some of my workload, if you know what I’m saying.

If you took the time to read this, thank you so much! I’m in a rarely lucky position to be blessed with an amazing family who supports me in this, and some incredible friends who helped me come to terms with it myself from early on. My one request is that this doesn’t change the way you view me as a person. Not radically, anyway. You might be like, oh damn, Kristian’s bi? That’s pretty hot. That’s okay, you can have those thoughts, if you want. I mean, who am I to stop you? ahem what I mean to say is, I’m still me. I just mentioned those stereotypes as damaging things, so let’s not apply those to someone who didn’t fit them before! Haha, okay, catch you in the next one, happy Pride.