Year to Year: A Journal Through Time #6 – One Hell of a Ride (25/2/19)

Recent headlines:

World: UK basks in warmest February day on record (It is gorgeous today. It’s almost nice enough to make me forget that this is the result of us punching the throttle and going full nosedive into climate apocalypse. Yay!)

Gaming: Reggie Fils-Aime retiring from Nintendo, will be replaced by Bowser (I miss you already, Reggie. I’m sure future Kristian feels the same.)

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I’m walking through town at the dead of night feeling like my world has ended. Not only did my crush turn out to be interested in somebody else, but that somebody also happened to be the worst person possible. I look up, and a lanky man who is the main cause of my unhappiness stands at the other end of the street. My stomach knots. As I consider what to say, my friend Mika comes barrelling down the street in a gunship and rains death on him from above. I gawp, and flee down a nearby alley to consider what this means for my situation. In the ensuing chaos, I use my spider powers to hide from the police. This, it may be a good time to mention, all occurs inside my head.

Dreams are funny old things. They often reflect our emotional states. Other times, they mean nothing at all. Some people believe that our dreams predict the future, but I’d certainly be alarmed if this turned out to be some sort of prophetic vision of what’s to come. Mika’s rampage only made up one portion of last night’s insane dream though, which lasted an unusually long time and included an all-star cast of many friends, and a colourful heap of emotional complexes from the past. It was a kind of personal Infinity War cooked up by my brain, just the latest in a long line of attempts to make me regret waking up after a night of opening old wounds.

My brain failed, though, because while the dream did give me that lingering feeling of bleakness that many emotional nightmares do, it mostly served to remind me that I have awesome friends who will go to great lengths to keep me afloat. The dream didn’t even end there; it went on to have me rejecting the notion of the lanky man deserving death, and persuading my friend not to finish the job when he turned out to have survived. If that’s not a metaphor for friends bringing out the best in each other, I don’t know what is.

But enough patting my psyche on the back, whilst also detaching myself from it and personifying it as the enemy. In far less dramatic and far more realistic news, I’ve made the decision to quit picking and biting my nails and fingers. After twenty-three years of bloodying my fingertips and failing to open simple tins, I have had enough. Not only will quenching this habit stop me looking like I stick my hands in the blender every morning (I’m going full hyperbole at this point), but it’ll be a small victory in the war against succumbing to my impulses. He wrote, as he reached for another Squashy. Pick your battles, right? Munch munch munch. Anyway, it’s funny how often I find myself going to pick at a bit of loose flesh before stopping myself. It’s not as difficult as I feared, but it does require a quiet vigilance. So, future Kristian, have you developed healthier looking fingers in 2020? Do write back.

I’ve had a fairly productive week back here in 2019. I did a bit of livestreaming, made an edited video (bonus content aside from my Weekly Deathmatches), finished the bulk of my soundtracks playlist, and began writing a fun entry over on 32 Bit Brain about trying to play Crusader Kings II. I say trying because that is entirely not my genre, and the hundred million different pieces of UI easily scare me away. I’m 382 words in and I’m having a fantastic time, but if the blog post never came out it’s because some peasants got grumbly and the tutorial threw seven new interfaces at me and I panicked. They had pitchforks! I’m bad at this.

Anyway, I was inspired to write this after finishing a PC Gamer book containing their best ‘stories’, those being excerpts from the magazine section containing their tales of emergent narratives in games like Crusader Kings and the Sims. It was genuinely hilarious, and if I get any kind of motivation to write then I am loathe to pass it up. Still no novels, but if we’re really lucky I’ve written about some farmers getting angry and their king hiding under a duvet in some videogame. Progress?

We’ll call it progress. Helps stave off the existential dread.

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Further reading:

The Weekly Deathmatch #44 – Quake Champions – Check Out My Mixtape

Multiversal Melodies (the soundtracks playlist)

32 Bit Brain

Year to Year: A Journal Through Time #5 – Stomaching It (18/2/19)

Recent headlines:

World: Seven MPs leave Labour Party in protest at Jeremy Corbyn’s leadership (I don’t follow politics enough anymore to have much of an opinion on this, but yikes)

Gaming: Activision Blizzard lays off hundreds of employees (No, these are not the job cuts I was talking about last week… strange coincidence!)

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It’s 17:52 and I still haven’t written this week’s journal entry. This is for two reasons. The first reason is that I’d initially planned to write about my poor impulse control, but thinking about it caused me to spiral quickly into despair from which there seemed no escape or recovery. The other reason is that Netflix cancelled Marvel series Jessica Jones and The Punisher.

The fate of these two shows was determined months ago, when Netflix shelved Daredevil, Luke Cage and Iron Fist, all set in the same universe as Jessica Jones and The Punisher (and the Avengers and Guardians of the Galaxy, which is really quite mental when you think about it). But when I heard the news, I immediately delved into reactions, discussions, explanations and theories. Sated, I then took to Spotify to listen to the soundtracks of each respective show, adding the best of them to my soundtracks playlist as I went. Before you know it I’m tweeting about the soundtracks, then browsing my feed as I wait for a response (if any). I stumble onto a post, ‘”Your Brain Is A Forest” by author E.K Johnston. It’s about depression and writer’s block, and I’m struck by the surprising familiarity of her discovery of fanfiction as being a doorway back into motivation for writing. I went through this exact same thing in 2018 during what I named ‘My Creative Resurgence’ on my blog, and oh, crap, it’s 17:52 and I still haven’t written this week’s journal entry.

The point, then. I currently live in an unhealthy cycle of acting by impulse – usually in regards to food and videogames – and whenever I try to face my shortcomings, I’m hit with a wave of unhappiness which I can usually fix by fleeing from the problem, probably by indulging in the cause of the problem in the first place. Honestly? I’m getting fat. You might not tell by looking at me (or maybe future Kristian buckled up), but I’ve got a hefty lil’ gut hiding away nowadays. It’s not imaginary. It gets an ‘oh’ whenever I’m asked to prove it exists.

This morning I was debating creating a spreadsheet to document what I eat and drink each day, but ultimately I was concerned about the hit my mental health would take if I grew too obsessed with this idea. I also considered simply resolving to eat healthier, but by this point I was spiralling so quickly that I decided to avoid the matter entirely. I’ve since eaten a 100g bar of Malteasers Teasers and I’m drowning my sorrows in Coke Zero. (It’s better than Diet Coke. Fight me.) Honestly, I’m not sure I possess the fortitude required to handle this aspect of self-improvement right now, and for the sake of my sanity I’m telling myself that that’s okay. So I’m in a better place this evening. I’ve avoided the weight problem until the next time I glance downwards and go, “ah.”

Funny thing is, I never used to care. As a teen I was lucky enough to have one heck of a metabolism for junk food, and I didn’t really put on weight until I hit my twenties. Having heard that this can happen, I remember replying that “I’ll just exercise at that point”. Easier said than done, pal. Gosh, I sure was determined to be ambivalent about matters which most people find concerning.

So if you are reading weekly, you’ve probably come to realise that mental health is going to be a continuing theme for this series of journals, and to be honest, I didn’t exactly intend for this to be the case. All I wanted was to write about the aspects of my life which are more grounded in reality, as opposed to videogames and other media. As it turns out, reality’s as rude as a bunch of Netflix executives deciding not to continue my favourite series, and much of the more ‘real’ aspects of my life are shaped by the lame-ium in my cranium.

That was a low-effort pun. I’m not proud of it.

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Further reading:

E.K Johnston: Your Brain Is A Forest

My Creative Resurgence from 2018

The Weekly Deathmatch #43 – Unreal Tournament ’99 – Nintendo Direct To My Heart

Year to Year: A Journal Through Time #4 – Moral Dilemmas and Neuroses, Oh My (11/2/19)

Recent headlines:

World: Food industry warns Gove on Brexit ‘crisis‘ (I’m sure this will age well)

Gaming: Titanfall Battle Royale Apex Legends hits 10 million players in just 72 hours (Yeah, I’m one of ’em)

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All views expressed in this blog post, on this blog, or anywhere else on the internet by me are my own and do not reflect that of my employer. Though I’d be a little concerned if you took the time to figure out who that was.

My boss sat us down the other day and discussed the possible (see: impending) job cuts that another sector of the business is facing. For reference, my boss is – from what I can tell – an empathetic man who legitimately cares about his employees, and actually loves his job. He spoke at length about the initial resentment that many will feel, but that by making this decision the company is sparing the jobs of a larger majority by continuing to make money, as opposed to struggling by with the current system. It’s a cold-hearted choice that treats people as figures, but it’s one that ensures the majority of people keep their jobs.

It’s left a bad taste in my mouth. It’s that old moral dilemma which asks you whether you’d kill a thousand to save a million, one of those questions that has no correct answer. On one hand, I understand where management are coming from, as employment of pragmatism suggests that their logic makes sense. On the other hand, the people who make these decisions have never worked with the people they’re treating as simple numbers before; they’ve likely never faced the threat of redundancy and sudden financial insecurity, with little opportunity ahead of them. They probably can’t be trusted to treat this decision with the weight it deserves and to prioritise this as a final option, before all else. And besides, I’m not one of the people who’s jobs is on the line, so whenever I entertain the pragmatic line of thought I’m reminded that I have the privilege of doing so, and that undoubtedly skews that side of this internal debate I’m having.

At the end of the day, though, I don’t have a say in the matter, as I’m as powerless in the corporation’s decision-making as I am in my government’s; more so, as I don’t get my one drop-in-the-bucket vote. It’s just another reminder that as an everyday Joe, I’m subjected to the wills and whims of people who wield powers of office or wealth in this society. I’m not about to preach communism or some other failed idea, or claim I have another answer, but today’s democracy sure isn’t as final a solution as history makes it out to be. I doubt the world that future Kristian lives in is any farther along with that problem.

It’s not all politics and business this week, though. I’ve left room for some concerns of vanity!

This past week I got a haircut. Anyone who knows me knows that my usual status quo regarding my cranial mop is to let it grow far too long, and then chop it all off and start from grade 3. At least, I thought they knew that, but for the first time in my life I’ve been met with constant – constant comments about this apparently startling difference. None of these comments have harmful intent, and while they initially bothered me I have come to accept that they’re going to happen. But everyone has their insecurities, and mine is my hair… something I’m certainly not going to regret revealing online! I’m now caught in this awkward middle ground where I don’t want to try out a new hairstyle because it might look stupid, but clearly I can’t get away with my usual grade 3 every few months anymore. So hey, maybe at the time of publication I’ve sucked up my neuroses and finally tried something different. Given the current rate of change in my life, though, future Kristian is probably sat here reading this and wincing as he considers how he has once again repeated past mistakes.

Don’t worry, future Kristian. Whether you’re powerless to change your country or your workplace, you’re never powerless to change your own way of life.

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Further reading:

The Weekly Deathmatch #42 – Destiny 2 – There’s Too Much Videogame

Year to Year: A Journal Through Time #3 – Some Weeks are Bad (4/2/19)

Today’s Headlines:

World: Venezuela crisis: European states recognise Guaidó as President

Gaming: Microsoft plans Xbox Live for Nintendo Switch, Mobile

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I’m not always going to be in the right mindset to write a well thought-out piece about my week, or my current musings in life. That’s something that I’ve been considering lately. I’ve made the decision to write these every Monday, but the danger of a dip in quality from week to week concerns me. For instance, I normally write these in the morning, but this morning I woke from an emotional nightmare that left me in a foul mood for most of the first half of the day, so I left it until the evening. I suppose we’ll just have to see how things turn out as time passes.

I don’t wish to go on about the creation of this blog series for too long, but I have made some decisions! As you’ve no doubt known for three weeks now, I’ve gone with the name Year to Year: A Journal Through Time. I wanted something which was succinct, and yet made it fairly clear what these posts contained at a glance, with a hook. The only issue is that I’ve spent so long considering the title that the word ‘year’ no longer sounds real. I’ve also decided that I wasn’t including enough contextual information naturally in my entries, so I’ve included some bullet points regarding the top world news headline and the top gaming headline, starting from this entry. The general idea is to paint a quick picture of the time I’m writing from.

So, yesterday I made the mistake of reading the last fictional work I published, and I could do nothing but poke holes in it. It was overly dramatic, self indulgent, cliche, you name it. At first, I considered this a mistake; perhaps all I had done was lower my self-esteem during a time of weakness, and put myself further off writing. Instead, I realised that what I really wanted to do was edit it, not delete it. Every flaw I found was an improvement that I could make, every bad decision was something I feel I’d do differently now, and the possibility that I’ve grown as a writer between then and now and can see as much by scrutinising my past work is actually quite encouraging.

Other things I’ve spent this week doing include making a belated start on the Kingdom Hearts series, making the decision to create compilation videos of my gameplay DVR clips, and continuing to add to my soundtrack playlist on Spotify, but these are all things I would consider ‘internet life’ – things that I do while sat on my ass, staring at a screen. A lot of these activities are what I discuss in my Weekly Deathmatch series, and I’m not entirely certain that discussing them here would amount to much more than repeating myself in a separate medium. Suffice to say, I’m still figuring out what constitutes a Year to Year journal entry. I do want this series to be more steeped in reality, but as we discussed last week, I don’t have much happening on that front. Hey, maybe this journal will encourage me to go out and get a life.

Man, if this journal turns out to be nothing more than me debating what goes in the journal, my head may actually explode.

Apologies. Some weeks are good, but others… aren’t. I suppose if I want to write about reality, I may as well start there. I don’t know if I have any specific illnesses or if I’m simply projecting in an attempt to make myself feel more interesting, but my mental health is not always up to snuff. I briefly touched on my low self-esteem last week, but there’s more to it than that.  It’s more like an in-quantifiable amalgamation of unpleasant feelings that can manifest itself at any given time. I’ve suspected depression, but it doesn’t come without reason; I’ve suspected simple laziness, but it’s too complex for that. Whatever the actual classification, if any, I personally consider mental health to exist outside of binary wellness and illness. We are all of us different by our very nature, and to measure this aspect of our health by specific parameters of behaviour is to risk denying others the ability to recognise turmoil within themselves. I suppose I’ll make do by saying that I have certain complexes and points of anguish which sometimes manage to get the better of me, and guide me down more negative pathways of thought and behaviour. As, I suspect, do countless others.

Anyway… I’d like to thank the Man of Steel soundtrack for drumming up the motivation to help me break through that negative mental block and finish the journal entry. I think I’ll leave this entire thought process as-is.

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Further Reading:

The Weekly Deathmatch #41 – Ratz Instagib 2.0 – I Have the Plague

Superb Soundtracks – A Spotify Playlist