Recent headlines:
World: Seven MPs leave Labour Party in protest at Jeremy Corbyn’s leadership (I don’t follow politics enough anymore to have much of an opinion on this, but yikes)
Gaming: Activision Blizzard lays off hundreds of employees (No, these are not the job cuts I was talking about last week… strange coincidence!)
It’s 17:52 and I still haven’t written this week’s journal entry. This is for two reasons. The first reason is that I’d initially planned to write about my poor impulse control, but thinking about it caused me to spiral quickly into despair from which there seemed no escape or recovery. The other reason is that Netflix cancelled Marvel series Jessica Jones and The Punisher.
The fate of these two shows was determined months ago, when Netflix shelved Daredevil, Luke Cage and Iron Fist, all set in the same universe as Jessica Jones and The Punisher (and the Avengers and Guardians of the Galaxy, which is really quite mental when you think about it). But when I heard the news, I immediately delved into reactions, discussions, explanations and theories. Sated, I then took to Spotify to listen to the soundtracks of each respective show, adding the best of them to my soundtracks playlist as I went. Before you know it I’m tweeting about the soundtracks, then browsing my feed as I wait for a response (if any). I stumble onto a post, ‘”Your Brain Is A Forest” by author E.K Johnston. It’s about depression and writer’s block, and I’m struck by the surprising familiarity of her discovery of fanfiction as being a doorway back into motivation for writing. I went through this exact same thing in 2018 during what I named ‘My Creative Resurgence’ on my blog, and oh, crap, it’s 17:52 and I still haven’t written this week’s journal entry.
The point, then. I currently live in an unhealthy cycle of acting by impulse – usually in regards to food and videogames – and whenever I try to face my shortcomings, I’m hit with a wave of unhappiness which I can usually fix by fleeing from the problem, probably by indulging in the cause of the problem in the first place. Honestly? I’m getting fat. You might not tell by looking at me (or maybe future Kristian buckled up), but I’ve got a hefty lil’ gut hiding away nowadays. It’s not imaginary. It gets an ‘oh’ whenever I’m asked to prove it exists.
This morning I was debating creating a spreadsheet to document what I eat and drink each day, but ultimately I was concerned about the hit my mental health would take if I grew too obsessed with this idea. I also considered simply resolving to eat healthier, but by this point I was spiralling so quickly that I decided to avoid the matter entirely. I’ve since eaten a 100g bar of Malteasers Teasers and I’m drowning my sorrows in Coke Zero. (It’s better than Diet Coke. Fight me.) Honestly, I’m not sure I possess the fortitude required to handle this aspect of self-improvement right now, and for the sake of my sanity I’m telling myself that that’s okay. So I’m in a better place this evening. I’ve avoided the weight problem until the next time I glance downwards and go, “ah.”
Funny thing is, I never used to care. As a teen I was lucky enough to have one heck of a metabolism for junk food, and I didn’t really put on weight until I hit my twenties. Having heard that this can happen, I remember replying that “I’ll just exercise at that point”. Easier said than done, pal. Gosh, I sure was determined to be ambivalent about matters which most people find concerning.
So if you are reading weekly, you’ve probably come to realise that mental health is going to be a continuing theme for this series of journals, and to be honest, I didn’t exactly intend for this to be the case. All I wanted was to write about the aspects of my life which are more grounded in reality, as opposed to videogames and other media. As it turns out, reality’s as rude as a bunch of Netflix executives deciding not to continue my favourite series, and much of the more ‘real’ aspects of my life are shaped by the lame-ium in my cranium.
That was a low-effort pun. I’m not proud of it.
Further reading:
E.K Johnston: Your Brain Is A Forest
My Creative Resurgence from 2018
The Weekly Deathmatch #43 – Unreal Tournament ’99 – Nintendo Direct To My Heart
Perpetually Perturbed 