Recent headlines:
World: Tim Berners-Lee: ‘Stop web’s downward plunge to dysfunctional future’ (The internet is still so relatively new. I’ve been saying for ages that we need to look out for long-term social consequences.)
Gaming: Halo: The Master Chief Collections gets weird Surface Hub listing (Where were you one year ago you ask, future Kristian? Never mind the text below this line. Mostly, you were frothing at the mouth for the chance to finally play Halo games.)
I’ve noticed that the littlest things in life now cause me to huff and let out a sarky “okay.” Drop my pen? “Okay.” Stub my toe? “Hmkay.” Technology glitches? “Alright.”
I’ve simultaneously had a productive and a frustrating week. On the one hand, I’ve had a small burst of inspiration and published a lot of videos to my gaming Youtube channel, as well as hosting a few livestreams. On the other hand, Thursday and Saturday in particular were riddled with moments of anger, frustration and occasional rage at non-issues and non-events. It got to the stage where even though I recognised that logically I had no reason to have these emotions and no source for them to stem from, I couldn’t combat my mood. And that was mildly frightening. I think it’s passed now, though.
I bring it up because towards the end of last year I acknowledged that I “probably have some form of depression”, after reviewing my behavioural patterns. After an uneventful couple of months to start 2019, though, I began to doubt my newfound confidence in that self-diagnosis, as I… felt fine, for the most part. And besides, I’ve read that depression isn’t typically a reaction to a negative life event, of which I had in surplus towards the end of 2018. Depression usually has no origin, I’ve heard. A little like those negative emotions of no origin I experienced last week.
I’m not drawing any conclusions. In fact, that’s kind of the point of this entry. A friend suggested I take this to a doctor, but I’m holding off for now. And until then, if ever, I’m going to try and not speculate about what category my mental health falls into, if any. There’s no use in telling people I think I have depression unless I’m concerned enough to ask an expert. In fact, lately I’ve been concerned that I’m more of a hypochondriac than anything else, and that is definitely something I wanna nip in the bud if possible. So, while I don’t think I’m mentally healthy per se, I’m not going to live my life thinking I can empathise with people diagnosed with depression.
The mind is an intangible, in-quantifiable concept, and the fact that we can only ever know our own makes it incredibly difficult to measure our health against others, among over things. It can be maddening, and I have to wonder at future scientific advancements that might further our understanding of the mind and self. I look at the way mental health is treated professionally today and I’m reminded of how physical illnesses were treated during history. In our earliest days as humans, we cut holes in each others skulls to excise evil spirits which we thought caused headaches. Later, we believed that the movements of the seasons affected our bodies, or that bad smells caused disease. In the context of our history as a species, it is only recently that we’ve begun to understand how to fix the human body when it fails, and we’re still stumped in many areas. Compared to physical medicine, treatment for mental health feels like this uncertain, nebulous stab in the dark that’s closer to ancient Greek ideas than modern ones. No offence to any psychologists out there. I’ve just heard too many horror stories of doctors throwing assorted pills at my friends and seeing what sticks.
I never thought I’d use information from the Medicine Through Time GCSE module ever again, but man, would my history teacher be pleased that I retained any of it.
Further reading:
The Weekly Deathmatch #46 – Quake Champions – Everything Is Fine (Everything was not fine)
Trepanning – A Wikipedia Article (I wasn’t joking about cutting holes in our heads, this shit is fascinating)
Ancient Greek medicine – A Wikipedia Article (GCSE flashbacks, oh my)
Medical Renaissance – A Wikipedia Article (Remember kids, never reference Wikipedia articles in your coursework. Especially not your dissertation. Just… reference their references!)
Perpetually Perturbed 