Having low self-esteem is one of the defining qualities of being a Kristian Richmond. Whether it’s poking my chubby tub, frowning at myself in the mirror or driving myself into a state over other people’s opinions, I’m always finding ways to make myself feel down about something. And I’m far from the only person in the world – in even a 2 mile radius – to be so crushingly hard on myself. But instead of this being a blog post where I analyse my reasons for having low self-esteem, and bore you all to tears whilst doing so, I’m actually here to discuss a rather amusing prospect.
It may have just saved my degree.
In the first semester of the year I had two modules to complete instead of the typical three, as the third was essentially my dissertation which carried over into the next semester. So, these two semester A modules – Advanced Prose Fiction and Poetry Writing – they didn’t go quite as planned. I’ll be honest, I thought I crushed Poetry Writing. The creative assessment (which is what yours truly chose) consisted of writing 6 poems and then writing about them, and all through the semester I received rather positive feedback on all of them! I even wrote a poem from the perspective of Henry VIII (I was watching The Tudors at the time), utilizing Martianism to explore how he’d feel about modern-day England. But both that module and Advanced Prose Fiction came back as a 56, or a 2:2 (or a C). Far from the worst mark in the world, but I vaguely remember just scraping a 2:1 on average for the previous year, and needing this year to count. This, coupled with crippling demotivation and disinterest towards my dissertation, led me to ending semester A feeling very insecure about my future grades.
As of last week I’ve gotten all of my grades back for semester B. They were all 2:1s. Healthy 2:1s at that. Almost firsts! And that really surprised me, given that earlier in the semester I’d put up a totally-non-public-meltdown status telling people not to be surprised if I got a 2:2 and that it wasn’t for lack of trying, that they’d all overestimated me, yadda yadda. (I got a whole bunch of support <3).When I handed my coursework in I was absolutely sure that it was 2:2 material, and spent the next week or so in a bit of a sulk.
(Alright, quick pause. I want to clarify that a 2:2 is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Nor is a third. These are still difficult qualifications that you have achieved from a uni course. My panic about getting a 2:2 was mostly due to some perceived expectations and personal fears of underachievement. And if you didn’t get a grade, if you dropped out or didn’t get into uni at all? There are still a bunch of other things you can do better than someone with a specific degree. The academic system does not define your worth as a human being, so don’t let it put you down.)
Here’s what happened. Due to my lack of self-belief and low self-esteem, I eyed my work with more scrutiny than I otherwise would have. In my mind, it wasn’t even to do with putting more effort in, but rather, a last ditch attempt to throw together more academic sources than I otherwise would in order to almost trick my way into a higher grade. That’s right, even when I forced myself to write at a slightly higher level, I put myself down for it. But hey, it worked. I’ve got a 2:1 on average for this year, and if I recall my previous results correctly, this should all add up to a 2:1 in my BA Creative Writing degree (I hope). Hurrah!
This isn’t just some kind of warped brag, though. What I’m getting at here is that the self-abusing human mind is not to be trusted. Time and time again I am reminded of the frightening power of perspective, and its ability to warp reality. It can turn innocent glances into rude stares, harmless humour into snide remarks, honest work into half-baked attempts at looking busy, and friendships into superficial relationships. Every day we have to fight to maintain our rationalism and to keep the world as objectively true as we can, and it’s one of the driving forces behind my constant pursual for a state of objectivity.
(Final side-note: I haven’t really looked in to that much about objectivity or objectivism, so I have no idea if it keeps in line with my way of looking at the world the entire time or descends into some sort of utilitarian Nazi party. If the latter, let it be known – I do not attend these parties!)
Perpetually Perturbed 