Year to Year: A Journal Through Time #12 – A Renewed Perspective (8/4/19)

Recent headlines

World: Brexit: Cross-party talks continue amid impasse (Yup, still going on)

Gaming: Randy Pitchford praises move to Epic Store after Borderlands 2 review bombing (Look kids, consequences for your actions!)

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I read an article yesterday about Emilia Clarke suffering two brain injuries during the course of Game of Thrones, recovering in time to continue shooting, and subsequently starting a charity called Same You to improve aftercare for victims of brain injury. That is goddamn incredible. I bring it up because a few weeks ago a friend of mine told me about their own journey through a bout of critical health, and it’s renewed my appreciation for my own health and instilled me with a new level of respect for anyone who’s been through something like that. I talk about mental health a lot, and how absolutely vital it is to be good to yourself and to respect the health of others. I’m fortunate enough to know some very strong people who have kept me educated about these matters. But physical health is absolutely something I take for granted and only consider when it’s brought up. One absolutely does not cancel out the other, and I’m grateful for both of these things: that I am as aware of mental health as I need to be, and that I haven’t had to worry about my physical health on a day to day basis.

I often fret about my weight or my eating habits, but as someone who’s only physical concern is that they’ve grown a bit of a gut, I’m now aware of how little I have to worry about compared to someone who can’t be certain of their own brain continuing to function as required. My task now is to keep this perspective in mind the next time I give myself a hard time over my lack of self-control. As someone who is very much an introvert, it’s easy for me to become wrapped up in my own self-devouring narratives, and I have to constantly check my sense of reality before falling down a well of my own making. I suspect many people live similarly, and I fear that such a lifestyle is often what leads people down dark roads and into warped thought patterns. It’s why I’m so grateful to be surrounded by the people in my life, and why it’s no exaggeration when I say they light my way.

Speaking of informed life choices, I just spent seventy pounds on cardboard that I won’t even own for five days! For those of you who don’t know, the Nintendo Switch has these kits you can buy called Labo, which are sort of… ah heck, how do I describe Labo? They’re like DIY cardboard peripherals which work ingeniously with the system’s joycon controllers. Skim down to the further reading section if you’re curious, but the fourth kit is VR, and VR is something I’ve always wanted to try, so I’ve taken the plunge. I don’t know how well it will work; it’s certainly not capable of what PSVR and the Vive can do. Nevertheless, the trailer captured me, and news that Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild will be VR compatible by the end of the month has me very intrigued. It’s a third person game, for starters. It runs at 30fps in handheld mode, which is sure to cause nausea in VR. I’ve basically spent seventy quid in disbelief that this thing will be worth seventy quid. I’m sure it’s gathering dust somewhere in future Kristian’s bedroom, but I sure hope it’s not.

While we’re talking about entertainment – and why not, this’ll all be more interesting when it publishes a year later – we are one week away from Game of Thrones Season 8 premiering. I’ll find another platform to discuss overt spoilers closer to the time (maybe this very blog, via site pages), but suffice to say that at this point in my life I am full of anticipation. I finished my Game of Thrones rewatch early, and now I’m stuck trawling the internet for behind the scenes clips to sate my Westerosi thirst. The show’s Youtube channel just uploaded a bunch of videos where actors remember their time on the show, so that marks two times Emilia Clarke has brought me close to crying this week. And let me tell you, I don’t cry easy! I’m getting better at it, but it is still quite the accomplishment to make me well up. This show, their books and the world of A Song of Ice and Fire is unique in its scope and success, and I will be immeasurably sad when it is over. Hopefully HBO can pull off their prequel series with half as much expertise. In the meantime, future Kristian: maybe it’s time for that full series 1-8 rewatch you’ve been considering. Winky face.

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Further reading:

Emilia Clarke on ‘Game of Thrones’ – Not my typical vehicle for information, but hey, this is where I heard about her brain injury scares.

The Cast Remembers: Emilia Clarke on Playing Daenaerys Targaryen – Crying emoji. Crying emoji. Bawling emoji.

Nintendo Labo: Toy-Con 4: VR Kit – Nintendo are not doing me any favours with that voice-over.

The Weekly Deathmatch #50 – Cube 2: Sauerbraten – Expensive Cardboard – Yeah I discuss Labo in this video too, but I’m cutting myself some slack because this was published a year ago from your POV!

Year to Year: A Journal Through Time #10 – Article 13 is a Load of REDACTED (25/3/19)

Recent headlines:

World: EU backs controversial copyright law (Or: If you don’t own the rights to the game you’re playing on Twitch, your streams are going to go in the bin. THANKS, MORONS.)

Gaming: The Elder Scrolls is 25 Years Old (What a wonderful and unique fantasy universe. Thanks, Bethesda)

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I’m going to be honest with you. It’s Tuesday. I write these on Mondays. But yesterday I got distracted playing games with friends, and if that isn’t a decent enough excuse, I don’t know what is.

So, the sun is shining, it isn’t cold enough to freeze a yeti, and I have a few evenings off work. I’m in a pretty good place! I mention this right off the bat as these journals tend to theme a little further towards the depressing side, and I’m quite self-conscious about it by this point. But while I can only guess as to what future Kristian’s perspective is while reading this, past Kristian here has nothing to report. No resurgent psychological schisms. No fresh horror to blindside my week. I need a “x days since last mental catastrophe” sign! Also I just finally added “Kristian” to the dictionary. You’re welcome, future Kristian.

So, a few days ago (uhhhhh I mean yesterday) I went to see Captain Marvel with some friends. No spoilers, do not worry! Although the movie will be over a year old by the time this publishes, I still empathise with those who take their time seeing movies; I’ve yet to watch Return of the King, myself. But Captain Marvel was quite excellent! I wouldn’t rank it as highly as Thor: Ragnarok or Black Panther, but it was up there.

This is a bit of a non-sequitur, but I suppose what’s particularly on my mind at the time of writing is Article 13, the part of the law which the EU just passed regarding copyright on the internet. They’re celebrating over the fact that companies will now be the ones responsible for material posted without copyright permission, not individuals, as if individuals being persecuted has been a problem which urgently needed addressing. By doing this it ensures that companies like Youtube, who have been known to have a knee-jerk reaction to copyright law in the past, have more pressure put on them and will undoubtedly go around removing videos which are otherwise fine. Like gaming videos. The ones I exclusively make. Or we’ll see Twitch die in the EU as streamers don’t own the rights to the games they’re making content in.

It is incredibly frustrating to have your livelihood or creative outlet revoked by people who do not understand the medium. Of course, right now we can only speculate as to the kind of effects Article 13 will have, and future Kristian won’t know more than I do because this is a process which takes two years. But as somebody who records and streams games, and watches others playing games as a means of escapism from an unfair and often depressing world, a group of ignorant, rich and powerful people taking that away is crushing. It’s a yank on the leash away from one of the only things keeping me sane, and writing this in 2019 I can only hope that I look back on this in the years to come as reactionary hyperbole.

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Further reading:

The Weekly Deathmatch #48 – Quake Champions – Time to Stop Restarting

Year to Year: A Journal Through Time #5 – Stomaching It (18/2/19)

Recent headlines:

World: Seven MPs leave Labour Party in protest at Jeremy Corbyn’s leadership (I don’t follow politics enough anymore to have much of an opinion on this, but yikes)

Gaming: Activision Blizzard lays off hundreds of employees (No, these are not the job cuts I was talking about last week… strange coincidence!)

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It’s 17:52 and I still haven’t written this week’s journal entry. This is for two reasons. The first reason is that I’d initially planned to write about my poor impulse control, but thinking about it caused me to spiral quickly into despair from which there seemed no escape or recovery. The other reason is that Netflix cancelled Marvel series Jessica Jones and The Punisher.

The fate of these two shows was determined months ago, when Netflix shelved Daredevil, Luke Cage and Iron Fist, all set in the same universe as Jessica Jones and The Punisher (and the Avengers and Guardians of the Galaxy, which is really quite mental when you think about it). But when I heard the news, I immediately delved into reactions, discussions, explanations and theories. Sated, I then took to Spotify to listen to the soundtracks of each respective show, adding the best of them to my soundtracks playlist as I went. Before you know it I’m tweeting about the soundtracks, then browsing my feed as I wait for a response (if any). I stumble onto a post, ‘”Your Brain Is A Forest” by author E.K Johnston. It’s about depression and writer’s block, and I’m struck by the surprising familiarity of her discovery of fanfiction as being a doorway back into motivation for writing. I went through this exact same thing in 2018 during what I named ‘My Creative Resurgence’ on my blog, and oh, crap, it’s 17:52 and I still haven’t written this week’s journal entry.

The point, then. I currently live in an unhealthy cycle of acting by impulse – usually in regards to food and videogames – and whenever I try to face my shortcomings, I’m hit with a wave of unhappiness which I can usually fix by fleeing from the problem, probably by indulging in the cause of the problem in the first place. Honestly? I’m getting fat. You might not tell by looking at me (or maybe future Kristian buckled up), but I’ve got a hefty lil’ gut hiding away nowadays. It’s not imaginary. It gets an ‘oh’ whenever I’m asked to prove it exists.

This morning I was debating creating a spreadsheet to document what I eat and drink each day, but ultimately I was concerned about the hit my mental health would take if I grew too obsessed with this idea. I also considered simply resolving to eat healthier, but by this point I was spiralling so quickly that I decided to avoid the matter entirely. I’ve since eaten a 100g bar of Malteasers Teasers and I’m drowning my sorrows in Coke Zero. (It’s better than Diet Coke. Fight me.) Honestly, I’m not sure I possess the fortitude required to handle this aspect of self-improvement right now, and for the sake of my sanity I’m telling myself that that’s okay. So I’m in a better place this evening. I’ve avoided the weight problem until the next time I glance downwards and go, “ah.”

Funny thing is, I never used to care. As a teen I was lucky enough to have one heck of a metabolism for junk food, and I didn’t really put on weight until I hit my twenties. Having heard that this can happen, I remember replying that “I’ll just exercise at that point”. Easier said than done, pal. Gosh, I sure was determined to be ambivalent about matters which most people find concerning.

So if you are reading weekly, you’ve probably come to realise that mental health is going to be a continuing theme for this series of journals, and to be honest, I didn’t exactly intend for this to be the case. All I wanted was to write about the aspects of my life which are more grounded in reality, as opposed to videogames and other media. As it turns out, reality’s as rude as a bunch of Netflix executives deciding not to continue my favourite series, and much of the more ‘real’ aspects of my life are shaped by the lame-ium in my cranium.

That was a low-effort pun. I’m not proud of it.

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Further reading:

E.K Johnston: Your Brain Is A Forest

My Creative Resurgence from 2018

The Weekly Deathmatch #43 – Unreal Tournament ’99 – Nintendo Direct To My Heart

Year to Year: A Journal Through Time #4 – Moral Dilemmas and Neuroses, Oh My (11/2/19)

Recent headlines:

World: Food industry warns Gove on Brexit ‘crisis‘ (I’m sure this will age well)

Gaming: Titanfall Battle Royale Apex Legends hits 10 million players in just 72 hours (Yeah, I’m one of ’em)

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All views expressed in this blog post, on this blog, or anywhere else on the internet by me are my own and do not reflect that of my employer. Though I’d be a little concerned if you took the time to figure out who that was.

My boss sat us down the other day and discussed the possible (see: impending) job cuts that another sector of the business is facing. For reference, my boss is – from what I can tell – an empathetic man who legitimately cares about his employees, and actually loves his job. He spoke at length about the initial resentment that many will feel, but that by making this decision the company is sparing the jobs of a larger majority by continuing to make money, as opposed to struggling by with the current system. It’s a cold-hearted choice that treats people as figures, but it’s one that ensures the majority of people keep their jobs.

It’s left a bad taste in my mouth. It’s that old moral dilemma which asks you whether you’d kill a thousand to save a million, one of those questions that has no correct answer. On one hand, I understand where management are coming from, as employment of pragmatism suggests that their logic makes sense. On the other hand, the people who make these decisions have never worked with the people they’re treating as simple numbers before; they’ve likely never faced the threat of redundancy and sudden financial insecurity, with little opportunity ahead of them. They probably can’t be trusted to treat this decision with the weight it deserves and to prioritise this as a final option, before all else. And besides, I’m not one of the people who’s jobs is on the line, so whenever I entertain the pragmatic line of thought I’m reminded that I have the privilege of doing so, and that undoubtedly skews that side of this internal debate I’m having.

At the end of the day, though, I don’t have a say in the matter, as I’m as powerless in the corporation’s decision-making as I am in my government’s; more so, as I don’t get my one drop-in-the-bucket vote. It’s just another reminder that as an everyday Joe, I’m subjected to the wills and whims of people who wield powers of office or wealth in this society. I’m not about to preach communism or some other failed idea, or claim I have another answer, but today’s democracy sure isn’t as final a solution as history makes it out to be. I doubt the world that future Kristian lives in is any farther along with that problem.

It’s not all politics and business this week, though. I’ve left room for some concerns of vanity!

This past week I got a haircut. Anyone who knows me knows that my usual status quo regarding my cranial mop is to let it grow far too long, and then chop it all off and start from grade 3. At least, I thought they knew that, but for the first time in my life I’ve been met with constant – constant comments about this apparently startling difference. None of these comments have harmful intent, and while they initially bothered me I have come to accept that they’re going to happen. But everyone has their insecurities, and mine is my hair… something I’m certainly not going to regret revealing online! I’m now caught in this awkward middle ground where I don’t want to try out a new hairstyle because it might look stupid, but clearly I can’t get away with my usual grade 3 every few months anymore. So hey, maybe at the time of publication I’ve sucked up my neuroses and finally tried something different. Given the current rate of change in my life, though, future Kristian is probably sat here reading this and wincing as he considers how he has once again repeated past mistakes.

Don’t worry, future Kristian. Whether you’re powerless to change your country or your workplace, you’re never powerless to change your own way of life.

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Further reading:

The Weekly Deathmatch #42 – Destiny 2 – There’s Too Much Videogame

Year to Year: A Journal Through Time #3 – Some Weeks are Bad (4/2/19)

Today’s Headlines:

World: Venezuela crisis: European states recognise Guaidó as President

Gaming: Microsoft plans Xbox Live for Nintendo Switch, Mobile

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I’m not always going to be in the right mindset to write a well thought-out piece about my week, or my current musings in life. That’s something that I’ve been considering lately. I’ve made the decision to write these every Monday, but the danger of a dip in quality from week to week concerns me. For instance, I normally write these in the morning, but this morning I woke from an emotional nightmare that left me in a foul mood for most of the first half of the day, so I left it until the evening. I suppose we’ll just have to see how things turn out as time passes.

I don’t wish to go on about the creation of this blog series for too long, but I have made some decisions! As you’ve no doubt known for three weeks now, I’ve gone with the name Year to Year: A Journal Through Time. I wanted something which was succinct, and yet made it fairly clear what these posts contained at a glance, with a hook. The only issue is that I’ve spent so long considering the title that the word ‘year’ no longer sounds real. I’ve also decided that I wasn’t including enough contextual information naturally in my entries, so I’ve included some bullet points regarding the top world news headline and the top gaming headline, starting from this entry. The general idea is to paint a quick picture of the time I’m writing from.

So, yesterday I made the mistake of reading the last fictional work I published, and I could do nothing but poke holes in it. It was overly dramatic, self indulgent, cliche, you name it. At first, I considered this a mistake; perhaps all I had done was lower my self-esteem during a time of weakness, and put myself further off writing. Instead, I realised that what I really wanted to do was edit it, not delete it. Every flaw I found was an improvement that I could make, every bad decision was something I feel I’d do differently now, and the possibility that I’ve grown as a writer between then and now and can see as much by scrutinising my past work is actually quite encouraging.

Other things I’ve spent this week doing include making a belated start on the Kingdom Hearts series, making the decision to create compilation videos of my gameplay DVR clips, and continuing to add to my soundtrack playlist on Spotify, but these are all things I would consider ‘internet life’ – things that I do while sat on my ass, staring at a screen. A lot of these activities are what I discuss in my Weekly Deathmatch series, and I’m not entirely certain that discussing them here would amount to much more than repeating myself in a separate medium. Suffice to say, I’m still figuring out what constitutes a Year to Year journal entry. I do want this series to be more steeped in reality, but as we discussed last week, I don’t have much happening on that front. Hey, maybe this journal will encourage me to go out and get a life.

Man, if this journal turns out to be nothing more than me debating what goes in the journal, my head may actually explode.

Apologies. Some weeks are good, but others… aren’t. I suppose if I want to write about reality, I may as well start there. I don’t know if I have any specific illnesses or if I’m simply projecting in an attempt to make myself feel more interesting, but my mental health is not always up to snuff. I briefly touched on my low self-esteem last week, but there’s more to it than that.  It’s more like an in-quantifiable amalgamation of unpleasant feelings that can manifest itself at any given time. I’ve suspected depression, but it doesn’t come without reason; I’ve suspected simple laziness, but it’s too complex for that. Whatever the actual classification, if any, I personally consider mental health to exist outside of binary wellness and illness. We are all of us different by our very nature, and to measure this aspect of our health by specific parameters of behaviour is to risk denying others the ability to recognise turmoil within themselves. I suppose I’ll make do by saying that I have certain complexes and points of anguish which sometimes manage to get the better of me, and guide me down more negative pathways of thought and behaviour. As, I suspect, do countless others.

Anyway… I’d like to thank the Man of Steel soundtrack for drumming up the motivation to help me break through that negative mental block and finish the journal entry. I think I’ll leave this entire thought process as-is.

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Further Reading:

The Weekly Deathmatch #41 – Ratz Instagib 2.0 – I Have the Plague

Superb Soundtracks – A Spotify Playlist

November – A Month of History and Impermanence

I used to hate winter. It’s dark and cold and wet and it stretches on forever. But a few years ago, a friend of mine changed my perspective on it; she was the first person I met to actively look forward to the season, enjoying its colder weather and shorter days. We don’t often talk nowadays, but that’s something I’ve taken away from our friendship.

Recently, Twitter came out with the news that they’re going to start deleting inactive accounts no matter how many tweets / followers they have, meaning that if you happened to have died in the last few years and hoped that your past stream of consciousness would live on via the internet, you’re shit out of luck. It’s depressing news, but it also immediately reminded me of my own Tombstone Project, the very reason why I’m doing all of this. You can’t trust a website or social network with your thoughts, or your content, as they may very well turn around and delete everything you’ve ever made, and you’ll have no say in the matter. I received another reminder of this when Youtube updated their terms of service this month, stating that they had the right to terminate your access to the service if they deemed that it was no longer profitable. It turns out that this is mostly legalese regarding their right to cancel services such as Youtube Red and Youtube Premium, if you’re inclined to believe that, but it sure did serve as a sore reminder that they’re free to remove all of my content on a damn whim. Hosting text is easy enough, but I’m afraid I don’t have a video hosting service to call my own.

Speaking of written thoughts and the perseverance thereof (ooh that sounded fancy didn’t it), I’ve spent this November getting back into history. I’ve written on this blog before about how history fascinates me for various reasons, but since finishing my A-Level in the subject I’ve had little reason to revisit it. Whilst trawling through podcast libraries, however, I came across You’re Dead to Me, a podcast by public historian Greg Jenner who worked as a consultant on the Horrible Histories books and shows. I’ve since spent many afternoons listening to tales about the Spartans or the Aztecs, or about historic figures like Napoleon and Joan of Arc, whilst grinding dungeons in WoW. Given how specific my education was in history, about very particular eras and literally nothing else, a lot of these topics are things I know precious little about and have subsequently been super interesting. They’re also hilarious in tone, which is fantastic given that one of the reasons I originally got into history was that we spent hours taking the piss out of historic events in class.

But that’s not all I did this month. Other exciting tales from my introverted life include the acquisition of my new wardrobe (physical wardrobe, not as in the way I dress or anything adventurous like that), my growing obsession with not spending more than I earn, falling in love with the world of Avatar: The Last Airbender (I’m a little late to the party), playing and completing the new Pokémon game, and starting to write odd strands of narrative down in an old book I found called Writer’s Block, which is disguised to look like a literal block of wood. My friend bought it for me years ago and I plain forgot about it. I’m using it now, though! Anyone who opens it up will be immediately confused as the first thing I wrote was in first person and I gave no indication that it was fiction.

Anyways, that was my November. We’re rapidly approaching not just the end of the year but the end of the decade! And as most bloggers will tell you, hey, it’s free real estate. I’m still undecided about whether I’ll make two retrospective posts, for the year and the decade, or just one for the decade. Either way, that’ll probably be my December post, so look forward to that. I’m also writing about the last decade in gaming over on my gaming blog, so keep an eye out for that, too! Goodness me, so many deadlines. It’s like uni all over again.